Redemption
by daydreamsonacloudyday
Summary: Various oneshots about my Shepard, Charlotte, and Kaidan.
1. Introduction

This story is going to consist of a bunch of oneshots featuring my Shepard, Charlie, and her eventual relationship with Kaidan. You can find a bunch of information about her (basic info, bio, major decisions, etc.) on my tumblr (it's the same username as on here, and there is a link to her character page on my blog's sidebar).

Like with my other stories on here, the newest oneshot will be the very last chapter, and when I post a new one I'll put the others in chronological order (I'll also list them in chronological order here.)

* * *

Newest oneshot: Tattoos (Ch. 19)

Chronological order:  
First Impressions (Ch. 2)  
A Little Shut-Eye (Ch. 3)  
The Butcher of Torfan (Ch. 4)  
Mistakes (Ch. 5)  
Monster (Ch. 6)  
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back (Ch. 7)  
Denial (Ch. 8)  
Memories (Ch. 9)  
Good Intentions (Ch. 10)  
Doubts (Ch. 11)  
Ghosts of the Past (Ch. 12)  
Friendly Advice (Ch. 13)  
Tattoos (Ch. 19)  
Scars (Ch. 14)  
Nickname Games (Ch. 15)  
Fighting Dirty (Ch. 16)  
Dinner for Two (Ch. 17)  
An Uncertain Future (Ch. 18)


	2. First Impressions

**First Impressions**

This takes place right before the opening of ME1, and Charlie and Anderson already know each other (he was involved in her enlistment in the Alliance). After Torfan and her N7 training, Charlie mostly ends up on high-risk missions with other N7 marines, never staying with one group for too long, so she's not exactly happy with the fact that she has to stop doing what she's been doing for two years because she's been assigned to the _Normandy_.

* * *

"Shepard."

"Anderson," Charlie greeted as she approached him, coming to a stop beside the Captain. Releasing a deep breath, she dropped her Alliance-issue duffel at her feet and crossed her arms over her chest, taking in the sight of the ship before her. "So, this is the fancy new prototype we're testing out?"

Anderson nodded as she continued to stare at the frigate. She'd seen the specs for the _SSV Normandy_ and knew what the ship was supposedly capable of, but seeing it in person was a hell of a lot more impressive than the diagrams.

"Did you read the personnel files I sent you?" Anderson asked, interrupting her admiration of the ship.

"Yeah. Finished last night."

He nodded. "This is a good crew. Excellent at their jobs and hard working. I think you'll like them."

"I don't have to like them, they just have to follow my orders," Charlie droned. "They do that, and we'll be fine." Anderson shot her a glare, his lips pressed thin. "What?"

"You can at least try to be nice," he stated.

" _Try to be nice_? I don't do nice," she retorted. "Remember my reputation? I'm a ruthless, cold-hearted bitch." The bitterness in her voice wasn't lost on Anderson, and he drew his brows together, giving her a hard stare.

"I didn't hand pick you for this assignment because of your reputation, I picked you because you're damn good at your job."

"Yeah, and—"

"But it wouldn't hurt for you to try to get along with this crew," he finished, his gaze steady on hers.

Charlie resisted the urge to roll her eyes right in his face, instead taking a deep breath as she pursed her lips together. "Like I said before, I don't need to get along with them or like them to give orders."

Sighing, Anderson shook his head and looked back to the _Normandy_. "You're a real pain in the ass, Shepard," he muttered, eyeing her out of the corner of his eye.

She huffed, her lips curling into the tiniest of smiles. "And yet you still chose to bring me here."

Silence settled between them, and Charlie resumed observing the design of the ship until her eyes wandered to the members of the crew boarding the vessel. She recognized most of them from the pictures in their files, but there were some faces she still hadn't put the right name to yet.

One of the marines—a Corporal… Jenkins, maybe?—caught sight of her and Anderson. Immediately, he elbowed his companion in the side, gesturing towards her when he got the other man's attention. She could see he was talking a mile a minute, his eyes wide and glued directly on her.

"Oh look," Charlie drawled, "someone's actually excited to see me. That's new."

The other soldier—Staff Lieutenant… something with an "A"?—met her gaze as her biggest fan continued to ramble on about god knows what, and Charlie frowned, a scowl settling over her face. Her jaw locked as she waited for the Lieutenant to react to her presence, but thankfully he read her mood and acted appropriately, simply saying something to the other marine before urging him towards the ship.

Well, then. There was a chance she could like _that_ guy if she actually _had_ to like some of the crew… she was still debating on even bothering to try.

Anderson exhaled, the loud puff of air pulling her from her thoughts. "Maybe if you weren't so—"

"Mean? Irritable? Bitchy?"

" _Difficult_ ," he supplied, his voice rising slightly. "If you weren't so difficult, people might react differently to you."

Barking a laugh, Charlie shook her head and watched the two soldiers disappear onto the ship before turning her full attention to Anderson. " _Please_ , even if I was the nicest person in the galaxy, I'd still get a bunch of wary, side-eyed looks thrown my way." She looked away, pausing a moment before returning her eyes to Anderson's. "You know why," she muttered.

"Shepard… that was five years ago."

"Doesn't matter," she spat, swallowing hard. "I'm still the 'Butcher of Torfan' to everyone." She shifted uncomfortably on her feet as she looked to the ship, narrowing her eyes, imagining what the crew was going to think when she formally met them. "I guarantee that I'm going to get asked about it by your _good crew_ , too. And if they don't ask… that's where the looks come in."

Anderson sighed, and she knew she'd made her point when he didn't provide a countering statement. He knew she was right. "Try not to overreact," he said, quietly.

"Don't worry, I've had years to practice responding to people's questions about it," Charlie sneered. "I think I've finally nailed it, too—with just the right amount of hostility to scare people out of ever asking again."

" _Shepard_."

"All right, I'll shut up," she said, raising her hands in defeat. Bending down, she heaved her duffel bag over her shoulder and took in a deep breath, holding it in for a moment before letting it out slowly. "I should probably see what this ship looks like on the inside, anyway."

Anderson gave her a curt nod, and Charlie took her leave, approaching the _Normandy_ 's airlock. Stopping just before she stepped on to the ship, she adjusted the strap of her duffel on her shoulder, her grip tight, trying to ignore the empty feeling in the pit of her stomach. Charlie mumbled a curse to herself and pursed her lips together as she finally stepped onto the ship, preparing herself to _try_ to tone down her bitter mood, for Anderson's sake.

She was going to hate this mission.


	3. A Little Shut-Eye

**A Little Shut-Eye**

This takes place in ME1 some time after Charlie realizes she has feelings for Kaidan. She was in denial about it for a while because of what happened with her old boyfriend on Torfan, and while she's accepted her feelings by the time this takes place, she's not exactly happy with them (again, because of Torfan).

* * *

It wasn't unusual for them to work in silence. Kaidan enjoyed talking with Charlie, especially when he got her to open up and _really_ talk, but he also enjoyed the way they could sit in comfortable silence for hours, content to simply be in each other's presence.

After they returned to the _Normandy_ earlier that day, it didn't take long for Charlie to show up at his workstation, datapad in hand, like she did after most missions. She plopped down in her usual seat behind where he worked, grumbling about "dumb reports" before she fell silent, focused on her task. He joined her soon after, sitting beside her as he started working on his own reports.

Kaidan wasn't sure how long had passed when he suddenly felt a soft weight on his shoulder. He froze at the surprise contact, his whole body going tense until he glanced down, finding Charlie's head resting upon him. A smile spread across his lips and warmth through his chest at the sight of her asleep.

Staring at her, he noticed how relaxed she appeared, her usual scowl wiped off her face, full lips parted as she breathed. It wasn't a look often seen of their hardened commander—though he'd probably seen it more than most—and he couldn't help but watch as she slept.

He took the neglected datapad from her hands and placed it on the seat beside him to prevent it from clanging to the floor and waking her up. He caught sight of some of her hair that had fallen into her face, the blonde strands dangling in front of her nose, fluttering back and forth as she breathed in and out. Charlie obviously needed to rest, but he wasn't sure if it would be interrupted by the tickle of her hair on her nose. Debating the best course of action, Kaidan finally decided to try and carefully brush the strands of hair back away from her face.

Tentatively, he reached his fingers towards her, catching the hair with his fingertips. Charlie stirred, her nose wrinkling for a moment as she shifted her head against his shoulder. He didn't pull away fast enough, his fingers lightly brushing over her cheek, and he immediately went rigid, not daring to move another muscle. His heart thrummed rapidly in his chest as he waited for the moment she woke up and found him in such an intimate position, but it never came. With a breath of relief, he quickly moved the stray strands of hair out of her face before pulling his hand back.

He'd barely grazed Charlie's skin with his fingertips, but he longed for more than just a brief touch. He wanted to hold her face in his hands and trace the scar on her cheek as he found out what it was like to taste her lips. He wanted to hold her in his arms while she slept, to feel her body pressed close against his as he let himself fall asleep beside her.

It was times like this when he wished Alliance regs weren't an obstacle keeping them apart, but he didn't want to complicate the chain of command—or lose her as a friend. He'd come close enough by even showing interest in her in the first place.

Besides, he wasn't even sure if she was interested in him in such a way. Well, he thought she might be, but he might have been overthinking things. Charlie was… complicated.

Kaidan focused back on his work, trying not to think about the intensity of his feelings for the woman asleep on his shoulder. He'd barely gotten anything done when the sound of her breaths grew heavier and more nasal, until she was outright snoring. He never expected the first human Spectre to _snore_ , and he pressed his lips together, trying to keep a bout of laughter at bay. Looking down at Charlie, he smiled again. The snoring was endearing.

Returning his gaze to the datapad he held, he continued working on his report to the steady sound of her snores, until he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Kaidan turned his head slightly, not wanting to jostle Charlie's head too much, his eyes catching someone moving towards the mess until they changed their path, approaching where he and Charlie sat together.

He heard Ashley's familiar snicker just as she came into full view, a smirk on her face as she crossed her arms and stared at their commander. "Is she _snoring_?" she asked, clearly amused by the whole situation.

"Shh," Kaidan whispered. "I don't want to wake her up."

Ashley's smile turned into a grimace. "Eew, she's drooling, too!"

Drawing his brows together as he glanced down, he saw a bit of drool dripping out of the corner of Charlie's open mouth, though he found that he didn't care much. It wasn't exactly the prettiest thing in the galaxy, but in a weird way it was almost adorable.

"It's going to get all over you," Ashley continued. "That's gross."

He gave her a pleading look. "Ash, seriously, keep it down."

Quirking an eyebrow, she studied him. "You don't even care if she drools all over you, do you?"

"What? No, I—"

"Face it, LT, you've fallen _hard_."

"I haven't—"

Kaidan instantly shut his mouth the moment Charlie stirred again, breathing in deeply before a rush of air and a particularly loud snore escaped her lips. Neither he nor Ashley spoke, both of them staring at Charlie with wide eyes as they waited to see if she would wake up. When Kaidan was sure Charlie was still asleep, he shot Ashley a glare, which she promptly ignored.

"Seeing the two of you like this is kind of cute… if you ignore the drool," Ashley pointed out, keeping her voice quiet. With a light laugh she left them alone, heading towards the mess. He caught her shoot another grimace over her shoulder before she disappeared out of sight.

Kaidan sighed, looking down at Charlie once again, unable to stop himself from smiling.

Ashley was right—he _had_ fallen hard.

-.- -.- -.- -.- -.-

Charlie breathed in deeply and cracked open her eyes, squinting against the lights blaring into her vision as it focused. Furrowing her brow, she stared at the console in front of her—the one Kaidan usually worked at—blinking rapidly as she tried to assess her surroundings.

Had he been at the console when she fell asleep? She was writing up reports and then…

Charlie tried to think back, immediately jerking upright when it all came back to her. She glanced to her side and met Kaidan's gaze, swallowing hard as they stared at each other.

"Hey," he said quietly, offering her a small smile. "You fell asleep."

"Yeah." She opened and closed her mouth, trying to figure out what else to say when she noticed a damp spot on the shoulder of his uniform. It took her a moment to process what it meant, but when she did, her stomach instantly dropped and her eyes widened. "Oh _shit_ ," she breathed. Quickly wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, Charlie stared at his uniform in horror, her heart speeding up as her cheeks warmed. "I drooled… all over you."

"Oh, yeah, that," he simply said, looking down at the little spot with a shrug. "It's fine. It'll dry."

Charlie's mouth hung open as she shot him an incredulous look—how the hell was _she_ the only one concerned about the fact that she drooled all over him?

"I am so, so, _so_ , sorry," she muttered. "That's disgusting, god, I didn't mean to…" Kaidan huffed, his lips curling into a smile as she fumbled for words. "You know what?" she began, talking fast, "I obviously need sleep, so I'm just going to go… to my quarters… where I can do that." _And where I can drool on my pillow and not make a fucking fool of myself_ , she mentally added.

Charlie stood to leave, pursing her lips as she quickly walked from where they sat, annoyed with herself for falling asleep on Kaidan in the first place—let alone actually drooling all over him, too. She was supposed to be distancing herself from him, yet the more she tried, the closer they grew. She couldn't ignore her feelings for the man, no matter how hard she tried. And if she were honest with herself, she liked spending time with him, and didn't want to give that up… even though she knew how dangerous it was.

"Shepard, wait!" Kaidan called out after her, and she stopped, taking a deep breath before she turned around to face him.

"Yeah?"

He stood and caught up to her, offering her the datapad in his hand. "I finished up the last part of your report."

Smiling at the gesture, Charlie took the datapad from him, fidgeting with it in her hands. "You didn't have to do that."

Kaidan's eyes dropped and he released a short breath before he turned his gaze upon hers again. "I wanted to," he said softly.

"Thanks, Alenko," she replied, trying to ignore the way her heart fluttered at his words. "I appreciate it." They lingered in silence for a moment, until she had to tear her gaze from his before it burned right through her. "Well… I should go. Goodnight."

"'Night, ma'am."

Charlie smiled to herself as she turned, continuing towards her room. Distracted by thoughts of her and Kaidan's exchange, she didn't see Ashley approaching her, almost walking directly into the other woman.

"Where the hell did you come from?" she barked, startled.

"The mess," Ashley replied, trying to hide a grin. "Glad to see you're up, Commander. Nice nap?"

It took Charlie a second to understand the other woman's meaning, and she shot her a glare when it hit her. "Shut up, Williams," Charlie grumbled before continuing to her quarters, bristling at the sound of Ashley's quiet laughter as she left.

She was never going to hear the end of this.


	4. The Butcher of Torfan

**The Butcher of Torfan**

This takes place right after the Major Kyle mission in ME1, which for Charlie, is after Feros, Therum, and Noveria, but still before Virmire. Additional information on Torfan and Tucker, and her history with the Reds, can be found on Charlie's character page on my tumblr.

* * *

Charlie stood inside the entrance of the compound with her arms crossed, watching her former commanding officer as he spoke with his "children" as she waited for the Alliance to show up.

When Major Kyle finished speaking with his followers, he approached her, standing tall.

"I'm ready. My children understand what is happening."

"Fantastic," Charlie drawled. "The Alliance should be here soon."

A silence settled between them, tension in the air, and she could feel Kaidan and Ashley watching the two of them. Pursing her lips, she chanced a glance at the major, finding him staring at her with his brows furrowed. "What?"

"Would you have really killed all my children?" he asked. "Like you did at Torfan?"

"This situation is nothing like Torfan. Don't even begin to compare them," she barked, bristling.

"That doesn't answer the question, Shepard."

Uncrossing her arms, Charlie stood up straight, turning towards Major Kyle. "What do you want me to say, Major? You obviously think that just because I didn't dive off the deep end like you that I'm some sort of heartless monster for what I did."

"You sent them to their deaths and moved on like they meant nothing to you."

"Nothing?" Charlie breathed, furious. She stepped up into Kyle's space, narrowing her eyes at him. "They were my friends—my family. They meant everything to me. You know that," she muttered, a knot forming in her throat.

"Yet you killed them," Kyle replied. "Even Brasher."

"Don't you dare bring him into this. I lov—" Charlie stopped herself, remembering they weren't alone, and breathed in a shaky breath. "I'm not explaining myself to you. I made the decision that day, and I've lived with it every single day since, and I will for the rest of my life."

"Commander," came Joker's voice over her comm. "The Alliance team has arrived at your location."

"Good. I'm ready to get the fuck out of here." She turned towards the exit of the compound, coming face to face with Ashley and Kaidan, frowning at the way they tried to pretend they didn't hear any of that. "Let's go," she ordered, stomping out of the compound, not looking back at the man reminding her of the worst day of her life.

\- . - . - . - . -

Kaidan rubbed his eyes as he walked into the mess hall, a yawn escaping his lips. He stopped in his tracks when he realized Charlie was sitting at the table, a half-filled bottle of vodka next to her, and her pistol in her hands. She started taking the pistol apart, placing each piece of it on the table, next to a photo that was in front of her. He moved closer, watching as she took a swig of vodka, staring at the photo with the saddest look he'd ever seen on her face.

Realizing she wasn't alone, Charlie jerked upright, sniffling as she wiped under her eyes, her makeup there already slightly smudged.

"I thought everyone on this deck was asleep."

"I couldn't sleep. I just came for a drink," he replied.

Charlie held up the bottle of vodka. "You want some of the good stuff?"

"No thanks."

"More for me then," she drawled, taking another swig from the bottle before she finished taking apart her pistol.

Kaidan filled up a glass of water, drifting over to where she sat at the table after taking a sip. "Can I sit?"

She stared at him, her brows furrowed as she thought about it. "Yeah, why not," she finally answered, and he sat in the chair beside her.

Sighing, she took another drink of vodka as she stared at the photo, then putting her pistol back together again. Kaidan glanced at the photo too—it wasn't often people carried around physical pictures instead of holo ones, after all.

There was Charlie, and a bunch of men and some women, all in casual clothes, holding beers and other drinks in their hands, smiles on their faces for the camera, in what looked like a bar he'd been to a couple of times on Arcturus Station.

He was looking at her old squad.

Kaidan's gaze drifted to Charlie in the picture, a big, broad smile on her face. He never saw her smile much, though he could get her lips to quirk upwards when he amused her, but it was nothing like the grin she wore in the picture. Another person in the picture caught his attention—a man, passed out, being held up by someone else.

"That," Charlie started quietly, putting down her pistol and pointing at the passed out man, "was Private 2nd Class Alfie Corser. He could never hold his liquor. Poor guy had the worst hangover the next day."

"Who's that holding him up?" Kaidan asked, unsure if she would offer up the information.

Meeting his gaze, she stared at him, her brows drawn together, almost as if she were confused he asked. He kept his eyes on hers until she looked back at the photo, identifying the man as Service Chief Javier Estrada. She began to point to each person in the photo, telling him who they were and little quirks about them in between sips of her vodka and brief, bittersweet smiles. Eventually, she got to the last two people in the photo, her and another man.

Charlie gently traced her finger over the other man's face, her other hand unconsciously going to the additional dog tag on her chain.

"That… that was Tucker Brasher."

After hearing Major Kyle's conversation with her earlier that day, it wasn't a surprise that Kaidan recognized the name from the additional dog tag she wore on her chain.

"He was 1st Lieutenant, my second in command at the time," she continued, her hand still clasped around the dog tag as she stared at the photo, her eyes glassy. "He was such a nerd. He loved playing around with tech—even old stuff. He was sweet though, and funny, and could always make me laugh. He used to call me 'Sunshine' and I hated it at first—he loved it, said it was ironic—but it grew on me." Blinking back tears, Charlie breathed in an unsteady breath and swallowed hard. "I'd give anything to hear him say that stupid nickname again."

Without thinking, Kaidan placed his hand over hers where it rested on the photo. "You loved him."

Charlie nodded. "So much." She pulled her hand away from his, grabbed the bottle of vodka, and took a long drink from it.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan began, struggling for the right words. "I've served for years, but never lost a soldier under my command… not until Jenkins. I can't imagine losing that many men."

She glared at him, her lips pursed together. "I didn't just lose them, Alenko, I killed them."

"You didn't kill them."

"Yes, I did," she argued. "You weren't there, you don't know what happened."

"So tell me."

"Just go watch an old news vid about the Butcher of Torfan. That'll tell you everything you need to know." She took another swig of vodka. "Better yet, just go ask Major Kyle. He was there, and he knows exactly what happened," she finished, sarcasm seeping into her voice.

Sighing, Kaidan accepted the fact that she didn't want to talk about it—he was lucky enough he got her to talk that much about her squad. "I should try to to sleep," he said as he stood from his chair, intending on going back to his sleeper pod.

Charlie didn't reply or even look at him as he started walking away, until he heard her take in a deep breath.

"The batarians were dug in deep in fortified bunkers, with a bunch of traps set up in and around them," she stated, and Kaidan quickly sat back down beside her as she continued.

"We were supposed to get inside their main bunker and shut down the security and traps for the other bunkers so the rest of the Alliance forces wouldn't get themselves killed getting into them. But our intel was wrong—it was worst than we thought. The bunker was a deathtrap. The Alliance had already suffered heavy losses getting to the bunkers in the first place, and if we lost any more soldiers…" She sighed, taking a sip of vodka.

"I split us up into two teams and we went in… it was a bloodbath," she continued, her voice robotic, just spitting the facts out. "Only me, Hernandez, and Hunter made it to the command center. I got eleven people killed. I traded their lives for those of hundreds Alliance soldiers."

"Shepard," Kaidan said softly, resisting the urge to reach out and touch her, "it was… a tough situation. You made a hard decision, but you saved lives.

She took another drink and then huffed, meeting his eyes with hers. "You're one of the few people in the entire galaxy who see it that way. People are usually more focused on the deaths I caused, not the lives I saved."

"Maybe they should pay more attention to the woman behind the decision than the decision itself."

"That's kind of hard to do when that same woman made another decision to murder a bunch of batarians in cold blood. You can't forget about that part," she droned, taking another drink of vodka. "It's half the reason they call me the Butcher of Torfan in the first place. I have to say, the person who came up with that really capitalized on the dual meaning."

"Shepard—"

"That's who I am, the Butcher of Torfan," she burst out, her voice cracking as she gave him a desperate look. "The batarians… I lost it, Alenko. It wasn't like you and Vyrnnus—it wasn't even like the people I killed when I was with the Reds. I wasn't trying to save my own ass or protect someone I cared about. It was pure revenge.

"Because of them," she continued, pain seeping into her voice, her shoulders starting to shake, "I found bits and pieces of the man I loved splattered all over that bunker because he jumped on a grenade to try and stop them from killing my squad. And it didn't even matter because they killed almost all of them anyway."

"God, Shepard, that's…" Kaidan's stomach dropped. He knew what happened when someone jumped on a grenade, and to see someone he loved afterwards… he couldn't even imagine what she must have felt in that moment. He wanted to comfort her, hug her, be there for her, _something_ , but he didn't want to cross the line between them, not when she was like this, so all he could offer was his words. "I'm so sorry."

"It was bad enough they killed everyone else, but him," she said, tears in her eyes. "When Hunter told me what happened to Tucker…" She pursed her lips, her voice low with anger. "I wanted to make the batarians suffer, for them to feel what I felt. So I had Hernandez hack the life support of the other bunkers and made the batarians we captured watch as the rest of their men suffocated to death. And then I looked them each in the eyes and blew their brains out, one by one." Taking another swig from the bottle of vodka, she tore her gaze from his, staring at the photo in front of her. "They call me the Butcher of Torfan for a reason."

Kaidan processed what she said, struggling for words. "You were grieving."

Huffing, she crossed her arms over her chest, shooting him a look. "Most people don't murder hundreds of batarians in cold blood when they're grieving."

"Most people don't have to grieve eleven people they considered family—including someone they loved—all at once," he retorted, his brows furrowed. "It's not an excuse for what you did, but I understand why you did it. You made a mistake, Shepard. And I can see that you regret it."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What makes you say that?"

"The way you talk about it," he simply stated. "You're not proud that you killed those batarians. You're sorry. And in pain."

Charlie stood from her chair, looking down at him with a frown. "I think you've got me confused with someone else, Alenko. I'm a cold-hearted, ruthless, bitch. I'm not sorry for anything," she drawled, then taking another swig of vodka. She grabbed her pistol and the photo from the table. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a report to write."

Kaidan stood, reaching for her, his fingers brushing her arm as she left. "Shepard!"

She whirled around to face him, and he could _see_ in her eyes and on her face that she blamed herself for everything that happened on Torfan. He wished she could see what he saw in her—that she was brave, determined, smart, skilled, and so much more than the monster she thought she was.

Jerking her arm away from him, she swallowed hard and looked him in the eyes. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but you don't need to make me feel better. I'm perfectly fine. It's been five years, I'm over it."

Kaidan went to protest, but she cut him off before he could utter a word.

"Goodnight, Lieutenant."

He rubbed the back of his neck as he watched her disappear into her cabin. Kaidan forced himself to head back to his sleeper pod, thoughts of Charlie on his mind as he settled in and tried to fall asleep.

All he could do was worry about her.


	5. Mistakes

**Mistakes**

This takes place right after Bring Down the Sky, which is actually the very last side assignment Charlie does before Virmire. Also, Charlie's already told Kaidan about what happened on Torfan, and while she's accepted she has feelings for him, she doesn't like it because she promised herself she'd never fall for anyone again after getting her boyfriend killed on Torfan.

* * *

Charlie climbed out of the Mako, immediately starting to rip her armor off piece by piece, throwing it and her weapons into her locker before she grabbed her clothes and slammed it shut. Without even bothering to put them on, she stormed towards the elevator, ignoring the wide-eyed looks she was getting from her crew-mates.

When she got up to her cabin, she pulled on her tank top and uniform pants and sat down at the table, burying her face in her hands. A knock sounded at her door and she jerked upright, frowning.

"What?"

"Commander?"

At the sound of Kaidan's voice, Charlie sighed, debating on whether or not to let him in. She knew he probably wanted to talk about what happened, and while it would probably make her feel better—talking with him usually did—she wasn't in the mood. She _was_ in the mood for a drink… or two.

"Shepard?" he called out more insistently.

"Come in," she said, giving in. She heard the door open and Kaidan's footsteps move towards the table, until he sat down in the chair next to her.

"Are you all right?"

Sitting up straight, she glared at him. "No, I'm not. I should have killed that fucker. I shouldn't have let him get away."

"But the hostages would have died," Kaidan pointed out, his brows furrowing.

"And?" she asked, exasperated. "They were just a handful of people. Their sacrifice would have prevented Balak from killing hundreds more humans—which _will_ happen. He's not going to stop, I could see it in his eyes." She shook her head, looking down at the table. "And when he strikes again, it'll be my fault, because I should have just stopped him. This mission was a complete failure."

"Hey," Kaidan said softly, and Charlie lifted her gaze to his, her lips pursed. "It didn't fail. You saved the hostages and the colony. Those people get to go home to their families because of the choice you made."

She narrowed her eyes. "And how many other people won't because of it?"

"If Balak tries something again, we'll stop him, just like we did today."

Grunting, Charlie crossed her arms over her chest as she sat back in her chair.

"Shepard, you did good."

Huffing, she rolled her eyes. "You make it sound like I'm some hero who saved the day," she drawled. "But that's not me."

"Seems like it to me," he simply stated.

"No," she started, her voice quiet, "heroes are good people. They don't think like me." Charlie looked up at Kaidan, swallowing hard. "When I saw Balak… all I saw was Torfan and the batarians that killed Tucker and my squad. I wanted to put a bullet in his head like I did to them. I didn't care about the hostages, I just wanted to make Balak pay." She sighed, her eyes lowering. "I'm still the same monster I was back then."

"You're not."

A bitter laugh escaped her. "You can stop trying to make me feel better now, Alenko."

"I'm not."

At his words, Charlie met his gaze, her brows drawn together as she studied him.

"You were grieving, Shepard. You still are," he said, eyes boring into hers, his words so similar to what she said when she first told him about Torfan. "What you did to the batarians on Torfan… that's not you…"

She kept staring at him, and all she saw was unwavering certainty in his gaze. He truly believed what he was saying.

"How can you be so sure?" she breathed.

"Because I know you."

Something suddenly dawned on her. "And you actually think that I'm a good person, don't you?"

"Yes," Kaidan answered, without hesitating.

She blinked at him, struggling for words.

"You've made mistakes," he explained, "but so has everyone else. They don't make you a bad person."

Charlie opened her mouth to speak, but immediately closed it, speechless as she stared at him. She couldn't believe he thought so highly of her, even knowing all the horrible things she'd done in the past. Nothing she did ever seemed to faze him.

He was making it _very_ hard to ignore her feelings for him.

Against her will, her eyes drifted down to his mouth, her lips parting as she realized just how close they were. Kaidan's tongue darted out to wet his lips, and she swallowed hard, tearing her gaze away from his lips and returning it to his eyes.

Her stomach flipped, her heart hammering in her chest, when she saw his eyes were locked on her own lips. When he lifted his gaze to her eyes again, she almost skipped a breath at how intensely he was looking at her. She leaned closer—or he did, she didn't even know—the space between them closing.

Charlie was about to close her eyes and give in to her desires when she realized what was happening. Pulling back with a gasp, she stared at Kaidan with wide eyes, and he darted his gaze away, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You should go," she whispered, and he nodded, standing and walking towards the door, almost rushing to leave her cabin.

"Alenko!" she called out, despite her better judgement, and he immediately turned around to face her.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you."

His brows furrowed. "For what?"

"For believing in me, I guess," she clarified. "For not seeing the Butcher of Torfan when you look at me." She looked down, hesitating, before meeting his gaze again. "It means a lot."

Kaidan's expression softened, and he nodded. "Of course, Shepard."

"Well then… you're dismissed, Lieutenant."

"Ma'am"

After he left, she slumped back in her chair, running her hand through her hair, thinking about what almost happened between them, leading to a single thought.

 _Shit._


	6. Monster

**Monster**

This is right after Virmire, which is the first time Charlie lost someone she cared about since Torfan, so it really screws with her emotionally and mentally, and she really just can't handle the whole situation because of why she chose to save Kaidan and not Ashley.

* * *

"I tried to warn you about Saren," Charlie said, glaring at the images of the Council before her. "You didn't believe me then, and look how that turned out."

"I believe you humans have a saying: even a broken clock is right twice a day," the Turian Councilor replied, and she narrowed her eyes.

"We've got another saying, and it even comes with a gesture," she drawled, flipping off the Councilor. "Fuck you."

Without thinking, Charlie slammed her fist on the console before her, severing the connection to the Council.

"Fucking assholes," she muttered to herself, collapsing in a nearby chair, ignoring the fact that she, the first human Spectre, just hung up on the Council. She had other things to worry about.

Running her hand through her hair, she let out a sigh and swallowed hard, trying to collect herself before leaving the comm room.

She kept thinking about Ashley—how they would spar, how they'd clean and maintenance their guns together, their lively battlefield banter, the times they spent just talking to each other about their lives… Ash's final words to her, finding her charred, unrecognizable body amongst the destruction of Saren's base…

Charlie blinked back the tears forming in her eyes, her chin quivering as she tried not to cry. She breathed in a shaky breath, her head snapping to the door to the comm room when it opened.

Kaidan stepped into the room, his body tense, a pained look in his eyes as they met hers.

She stood, sniffing, her face settling into a scowl as she looked back at him. "Lieutenant," she forced out, her voice low.

"Shepard, I…" he started, rubbing the back of his neck. She just glared at him, waiting for him to spit out whatever it was he wanted to say. "Liara said you went back."

"We found Kirrahe and a couple of his men who managed to get far enough away from the bomb to survive the blast," she said quietly, averting her gaze from his. "We also found Ash's body… well, what was left of it, anyway."

Kaidan released an unsteady breath, his shoulders slumping.

"After I put a bullet in Saren's brain, I'm going to bring her dog tags to her family. They deserve at least that." Charlie took a deep breath, standing tall. "If that's all you wanted to talk about, I should go. Someone's got to take over Ash's duties now that she's gone, and it should be me."

She walked towards the door, but Kaidan stepped in front of her. "Shepard, wait."

Frowning, Charlie looked up at him. "What?"

"Why did you save me? Why not Ash?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you questioning the orders of your commanding officer, Lieutenant Alenko?"

His brows furrowed, head jerking back at her sudden formality. "I'm sorry… Commander," he started. "You saved my life, I'm grateful for that. But if I'd done my job—we should have been able to save her."

"I'm the one who made the decision, not you. So get over it, because we can't let anything distract us from stopping Saren."

Kaidan studied her, his lips pressed together as he cocked his head to the side. She could see his mind working to figure out why she was acting the way she was—he knew it, he _had_ to know it, whether or not he could accept it.

"Oh for fuck's sake," she started, huffing. "I wanted to save the both of you. I _tried_ to save you both, but Saren got in the way and I ran out of time. So I did what I had to do and made the necessary decision." Charlie took a step closer to him, shooting him a warning glare. "Leave it alone, Alenko."

"Why me, Shepard?" he asked, voice quiet, a desperate look in his eyes. He knew the answer, she could see the guilt written all over his face.

"What do you want to hear?" Charlie shouted, her nostrils flaring, heat rising to her face. "Should I say that I made a calculated decision on who I thought would be better for this team? That you're the superior officer and your experience and abilities are better suited to the mission and that's why you're still here? That I just wanted to make sure the fucking bomb went off?!" Ignoring the twist in her gut and the knot forming in her throat, she continued. "As much as I want to say all that, I can't! I let my feelings influence my decision, and look what happened! I killed my friend!"

Kaidan's face paled at her words, his gaze falling to his feet before he mustered up the courage to look at her.

"Shepard, I—" he started, his voice cracking.

"I can't do this," she interrupted, throwing her hands up. "If I'm going to stop Saren I need to be the ruthless, cold-hearted, merciless soldier I was on Torfan. I can't make the sacrifices necessary to complete the mission if I care about you or anyone else on this ship." Breathing in a shaky breath, she shook her head. "I didn't even want this assignment in the first place, I don't know what the hell I was doing letting myself become friends with anyone," she finished, her voice barely above a whisper.

Kaidan stared at her, his jaw clenched, lips pressed tight together. He went to speak, but she cut him off before he could utter a word.

"Don't," she said, swallowing hard. "I don't want anything to do with you, Lieutenant."

She brushed past him, storming off to her cabin without looking back. She pulled out a bottle from her stash of booze, not even bothering to look at what it was before she popped it open and started to drink. Sitting down on her bed, her chest grew tight, tears starting to slip down her cheeks as memories of Ashley flashed in the forefront of her mind.

No matter how many times she told herself saving Kaidan was the right tactical choice, she would never convince herself it was the best decision. In the back of her mind, Charlie would always know that she chose Kaidan's life over Ashley's for the most selfish reason in the world—her feelings for him.

She'd killed her friend for something she promised herself would never happen again after she lost Tucker on Torfan.

She was a monster.


	7. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**One Step Forward, Two Steps Back**

This is right before Ilos, and it's the first time Charlie and Kaidan have talked since after Virmire ( _Monster_ ). (They don't speak/almost kiss when the Normandy is in lockdown. They've already had an almost kiss after Bring Down the Sky right before Virmire ( _Mistakes_ ), so during the lockdown Charlie just brushes Kaidan off because she's not interested in talking.) I've mentioned it before, but since this is pretty much the defining moment in their relationship in ME1, I'll say it again: Charlie and Kaidan's relationship doesn't progress the same way it does in the game. There's no flirting between them, and they become friends before it develops into something more, which Charlie doesn't like because she decided she wouldn't fall for anyone after getting her boyfriend killed on Torfan. And once Virmire happens, she's just really screwed up and it ends up affecting their relationship.

* * *

"Commander?"

Charlie froze at the sound of Kaidan's voice, hesitating before turning around to face him.

He rubbed the back of his neck, a pleading look in his eyes. "Can we talk?"

"I don't have time to chit-chat, Alenko. I've got to get ready for Ilos," she drawled.

"Please?"

Charlie stared at him, studying his face as she debated what to do. They hadn't really spoken since she yelled at him after what happened on Virmire, and she didn't know why he'd _want_ to talk to her after that. It could be about the fact that she just stole an Alliance ship—maybe he wasn't on board with the decision. If she was lucky, he might even want to get dropped off somewhere before they got to Ilos.

"All right, fine," she finally said, gesturing to her cabin door behind her. "Come in."

He followed her into the cabin, and she crossed her arms over her chest, giving him her attention. "What do you need?"

"What happens if this doesn't work out, Shepard?" he asked, brows drawn together. "We mutinied. Stole a prototype warship. If they want to get technical, they could throw in kidnapping."

"Look, if you're uncomfortable with what I did—"

"I'm not. I'm with you," Kaidan replied, his eyes boring into hers. Charlie pursed her lips, shifting her weight as she stood. He sighed, looking down at his feet before meeting her gaze again. "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos. If things don't go well, I wanted you to know—Well, I've enjoyed serving under you."

Charlie's expression softened. _Of course_ he would say something like that, despite the way she treated him since Virmire.

"I… thanks," she started, struggling for the right words. "I've enjoyed having you on my crew. You're a good soldier… a good man." She furrowed her brows, darting her gaze away from his. "And things are going to go fine. You and the crew will make it out of this mess alive. We're not losing anyone else… I'll make sure of it."

She heard him take a step closer to her. "Shepard, what are you saying?"

Standing up straight, she lifted her eyes to his. "I'm going to complete this mission, no matter what. But if it comes down to sacrificing someone on this crew or me… like I said, we're not losing anyone else."

He stepped closer again, his eyes wide. "Except we'd lose you!"

"Soldiers die all the time, Alenko, it comes with the job. You know that," she droned, narrowing her eyes at him. "Besides, everyone on this crew has families and friends—people who would miss them. I don't."

Kaidan shook his head. "But you do," he began, his eyes searching her face. "Anderson, Joker, Liara, the rest of the crew—we're your friends. And I… I would miss you."

Charlie knew they were approaching very dangerous territory, that she should just send him on his way and focus on the mission, but her traitorous words left her mouth before she could even realize what she was saying.

"Really? You would?" she breathed, her brows furrowed as she looked up at him.

Nodding, Kaidan gave her a serious look. He lifted his hand and then dropped it, fisting it at his side as he let out a sigh. "I think about losing you and I can't stand it," he started, his voice low. "The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers, will come around again. But you and I… we are important right now. And this is what will never happen again. Us."

At his words, Charlie's heart skipped a beat, her mouth hanging open as she tried to find something to say while he stared at her with his unwavering gaze. She didn't realize hearing him say something like that would have such an effect on her.

She snapped out of her daze, shaking her head as she stepped back from him, pulling her arms across her chest closer to her.

"Alenko, you're just… you're scared we might die and you're saying things you don't mean," she muttered, not daring to look at him.

"Yeah, I'm scared," he admitted, closing the distance between them. She met his gaze, a determined resolve in his eyes. "But I do mean them, you have to know that, Shepard." Kaidan took a deep breath, tentatively raising his hand to her face, her arms falling from her chest as he cupped her cheek ever so slightly. "Charlie, you make me feel… human."

Charlie's heart thrummed inside her, a lightness in her chest as she processed what his words meant. He had no idea just how much she understood what he was saying. She felt the same way—she wasn't the Butcher of Torfan with him. She wasn't a monster. She was just… Charlie.

Suddenly, the reality of the situation came crashing down on her, her stomach twisting into a knot. _This_ was exactly what she was trying to avoid. She'd let a man she loved die once before, and she couldn't go through it again, sacrificing Ashley's life because of it. She couldn't be objective when it came to Kaidan, and if she wasn't objective, she couldn't do her job.

"You should go," she whispered, pulling away from him.

Kaidan's face fell, and he silently turned to leave, his lips pressed thin. Charlie watched him move towards the door, blinking back tears as she breathed in a shaky breath.

Without thinking, she quickly strode forward, brushing her fingers against his shoulder. Kaidan stopped in his tracks, his body tensing before he slowly turned around to face her, his gaze boring into hers. She swallowed hard, at war with herself—one part of her screaming to stop what she was doing, the other urging her on. Finally, she just gave in, pressing her lips to his.

It was an explosion the moment their mouths met, their hands grasping at each other as all the desires they'd been keeping at bay were let loose.

Charlie's mind went silent, Kaidan the only thing she was aware of—his scent, his taste, the responsive little sounds he was making, his stubble scraping pleasantly against her skin while his soft lips met hers, his warm hands traveling over her body…

They stumbled across the cabin, her back hitting a wall, but she barely felt it, too focused on Kaidan's lips as he kissed a path up her neck, inching closer and closer to the sensitive spot hidden there.

"Alenko," she moaned, her fingers tightening in his hair and on his shirt when his lips found it.

"Kaidan," he mumbled against her lips, setting alarm bells off in her head. She'd never called him by his first name—it kept some distance between them—distance that should have definitely been between them in that moment.

Her thoughts were silenced when he returned his mouth to her neck, Kaidan's ministrations her single focus once again. Hooking her leg around him, she pulled him closer, feeling his growing desire for her, and she rolled her hips against his, ripping a moan from his throat.

Charlie untucked his uniform shirt, pulling it over his head and tossing it to the side, taking a quick moment to appreciate him shirtless. Her eyes landed on the new scar he got from getting shot on Virmire, and she ignored the drop in her stomach, instead pressing her lips to his as she ran her hands over his chest and abdomen. Her fingers followed the trail of dark hair down to his pants, which she quickly started to unbuckle and push off his hips.

Kaidan kicked off his boots and stepped out of his pants, then gently tugging her towards the bed without separating his lips from hers. He lifted her tank top off and dropped it to the floor before the back of his legs hit the bed. Charlie pushed him down onto the bed, noticing a hint of blue in the corner of his brown eyes as she took off her bra and pulled off her pants, underwear, and boots.

She stood naked before him, getting lost in the way he looked at her. She felt her skin blush at the intensity and emotion in his gaze, her chest tightening—it was _too much_ emotion.

Desperate to distract herself from the _feelings_ he stirred up, she found herself staring at the bulge in his underwear, and she reached down, pulling it off of him so he was completely exposed to her. She stared at him, heat shooting to her core at the sight. She climbed on top of him as he settled back on the bed, her lips finding his as his hands traced paths over her body.

In one movement, she sat up and lowered herself onto him, both of them moaning at the sensation.

Charlie didn't move for a second, her eyes closed as she breathed heavily, until Kaidan shifted beneath her. Snapping her eyes open, she saw him sitting up, reaching for her. What he wanted was too close, too intimate, so she pushed him back down onto the bed as she started to move atop him.

A blue aura spread over his body, his biotics making him glow as they moved together, and her eyes widened at the sight. He was absolutely beautiful like that, the thought getting pushed from her head when she felt his biotics dance against her skin where they touched, the buzzing feeling only heightening her pleasure.

"Charlie," Kaidan groaned, grasping her hips tighter, continuing to meet each of her movements with a thrust of his own. The way he said her name, his raspy voice even rougher than normal, sent a shiver down her spine and straight to her core.

"Fuck," she breathed, closing her eyes and tilting her head back, getting closer and closer to the edge. She felt Kaidan's hands slide up from her hips, his arms encircling her as his chest pressed flush against hers, his lips finding the rapid pulse in her neck. With their bodies so close together, his biotics were even more present against her skin, the tingles unlike anything she'd ever felt before.

Charlie bit her lip, her arms slipping around him of their own accord, holding him as close as he could possibly get. His name, _Kaidan_ , tumbled out of her mouth and he moaned in response—a deep, rumbling, _desperate_ sound she could feel from the base of his chest, his movements becoming jerky.

He kissed her then, their mouths sloppily melding as they continued to rock together. Their kiss fizzled out, and Kaidan pressed his forehead against hers, Charlie's hand slipping into his hair to keep him close.

Moments later she reached her peak, her body tensing as she fell over the edge, pleasure radiating out through her body. He joined her, breathing her name, his fingers digging into her back as if he were clinging to her, while he shook with his release. Charlie opened her eyes just in time to see his biotics flare out, until the blue energy dissipated into a barely-there glow over his skin.

Kaidan opened his eyes and met hers, the brilliant blue tint in them fading away into his normal, whiskey gaze, the biotic glow gone from his body. Nestling his face against hers, he started running his fingers over her back, tracing random shapes and patterns over her sweat-slicked skin. He brought his hand to her face and she closed her eyes, leaning into his touch. Charlie didn't want to move—she could have just collapsed into his arms while their wild pulses slowed down and their breathing became normal again.

As she came down from her high, a knot started to form in her throat as she came to her senses. She started breathing faster, her heartbeat kicking into overdrive as she tensed up.

 _What the fuck did I just do?_ she thought, terror shooting through her body. Being with Kaidan like that wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to fall for him, let alone _sleep_ with him. Her mind was racing—it was all too much at once. She couldn't do it.

Kaidan cleared his throat and his eyes opened, a small smile on his lips. "It's been a long time since—"

"Don't," Charlie forced out.

"Don't what?" he asked, his brow furrowing. "Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?"

Quickly, she got off of him and started to pull her clothes back on, her back to him. "You should go."

"What?"

She whirled around, half dressed. "Get out!"

"I don't understand," he started, slightly shaking his head. "I thought—"

"You thought wrong," she snapped. "This was a mistake. I was stressed out and you were here… it was just sex."

At her words, his eyes widened, his mouth falling open as he exhaled shakily, hanging his head.

"This didn't mean anything. I don't…" Charlie got choked up, but forced herself to keep talking. "I don't feel anything for you. I never did, and I never will."

Kaidan lifted his agonized gaze to hers and she could see his heart shattering into a million pieces. Hers broke right along with his, her chest constricting painfully.

"Bridge to Commander Shepard," Joker's voice came over the comm, startling them both. "We're five minutes out from the Mu Relay."

Charlie swallowed hard, pulling on the rest of her clothes. "I'm coming up. Prep the ship for silent running."

Without looking at Kaidan, she went to leave the cabin, stopping in front of the door. She could hear him shuffling around, no doubt putting his clothes back on, and all she wanted to do was turn around, apologize, and throw herself into his arms.

Instead, she blinked back tears and forced herself to leave.


	8. Denial

**Denial**

This takes place right after Saren is defeated. Charlie and Kaidan slept together before Ilos ( _One Step Forward, Two Steps Back_ ), but afterwards, Charlie panicked and told him it meant nothing and that she didn't care about him (her reasoning all stems from getting her boyfriend killed on Torfan, promising herself she'd never let herself fall for anyone again, and then sacrificing Ash because of her feelings for Kaidan).

* * *

Charlie pushed up against the debris on top of her, pain shooting through her arm at the movement. She could hear voices calling out to her, but couldn't focus on them, her head throbbing and her vision dizzy. Feeling blood trail down her face, she ignored the pain in her left arm and forced her way out from under the rubble on top of her.

She wobbled on her feet before regaining her balance and started to hobble towards the voices, holding her arm close. A familiar figure ran up to her, and she rapidly blinked her eyes until she could see that it was Kaidan.

His brows were drawn together as he lifted his armored hands to her face, cupping her cheeks. He began to soothingly stroke her skin with his thumbs while his eyes roved over her face and down her body, assessing her for injuries.

Pulling back, Charlie frowned, glaring at him. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Shepard. You need to get looked at," Anderson said, coming up behind Kaidan with the rest of her squad.

"Oh for fuck's sake."

"Where's the nearest hospital? Or clinic?" Kaidan asked, turning to Anderson.

"There's a clinic not too far from here," the captain answered.

"I'm not going to a clinic," Charlie protested.

"Yes, you are."

"Anderson."

"Shepard, that was an order, not a request," he replied firmly, and Charlie huffed, rolling her eyes.

Kaidan stepped forward, his arms reaching for her. "I'll take—"

"Fine," Charlie droned, stepping away from him, not meeting his gaze as she shuffled over to Liara standing with the rest of the crew. "If I'm being forced to go, Liara can take me."

Anderson's eyes narrowed as he looked from Charlie to Kaidan and back to her, and she pursed her lips, staring him down. "All right," he started, turning his attention to Liara. "Make sure she gets taken care of."

"Let's get this over with," Charlie muttered.

\- . - . - . - . -

Charlie sat on a bed in the clinic, still in her armor, a scowl on her face. A nurse had already applied medi-gel to the gash on her forehead, cleaned the blood off her face, and ran a few scans, then leaving to take care of the influx of people arriving from the attack on the Citadel.

She would have much rather been out of that clinic, in the middle of what was going on in the aftermath of Saren's defeat, than stuck on the sidelines doing absolutely nothing. The moment the nurse came back and told her she was a-okay, she was out of there.

The door to the room opened, and Charlie sat up straighter, expecting the nurse. Instead, Kaidan stepped inside, rubbing the back of his neck. She briefly met his gaze and then looked away, furrowing her brows.

"Where's Liara?" he asked, hovering by the doorway.

"I told her she could go," she simply answered not offering up any details. Charlie pursed her lips—she didn't want to see him. She hoped he would get the idea and just leave her alone like she wanted.

Well, she'd _convinced_ herself that was what she wanted.

"The Council arrived after you left," Kaidan continued, peaking her interest.

"And?"

"We explained what happened, but the official story is that Sovereign was a geth ship, not a reaper."

"Of course," she drawled, shaking her head with a sigh. "I saved their asses just so they can pull this crap. Why am I not surprised?"

Kaidan tentatively stepped closer to the bed, his eyes dropping to the floor before focusing on hers. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine. Just waiting for them to let me out," she answered. Before he could say anything back, a sudden wave of nausea hit her. In a second, Kaidan was at her side, his arm wrapped around her as she lurched forward, vomiting into the small basin he held out in front of her.

When the nausea passed, she wiped her mouth and grimaced at the sour taste in her mouth.

"Charlie," Kaidan murmured, brushing loose strands of her hair back.

"I'm fine," she replied, her voice hard, sitting back upright to distance herself from him. He took the hint, his hand dropping to his side as he took a step back from the bed.

"You're not fine," her nurse said as she entered the room. "You have a concussion. You're going to have to stay overnight for observation."

"Fan-fucking-tastic," Charlie grumbled, glaring at the nurse when she presented her with a medical gown to wear. Sighing, she snatched it out of the other woman's hand. The nurse moved to help her remove her armor and put it on, but Charlie pulled it back. "I got it."

"Commander—"

"I just saved the damn Citadel, I think I can handle putting this on by myself," she droned, the nurse raising an eyebrow at her.

"Then I'll see to my other patients."

With that, the nurse left, and they were alone once again.

Charlie reached for the clasps of her armor, her arm protesting with pain at the movement, and she groaned in frustration.

"I can get the nurse," Kaidan offered.

"I basically just told the nurse to go fuck herself."

"Do you want me to get a different nurse?."

"I don't want you to get any nurse," she snapped. She breathed in a shaky breath and met his gaze. "Can you just help me get this off?"

"Okay," he said with a nod, stepping up to her as she slid off the bed. Charlie turned her back to him, beginning to unclasp what she could reach with her good arm. After hesitating, he started with the back of her armor until it was removed, piece by piece, leaving her in the skin-tight undersuit beneath it. Unzipping the front of the undersuit, she started to peel it off her shoulders, until her arm tweaked with pain.

"I can't," she started, trying not to let her voice betray the pain she felt. Kaidan gently grabbed the top of the undersuit and tugged it down her arm, his fingers brushing against her skin, sending a shiver down her spine.

She was hyperaware of just how close Kaidan was to her, and she could practically _feel_ him standing behind her. Against her will, her mind drifted to the last time she was this naked in front of him. It hadn't even been a day since they slept together, and she could still remember the taste of Kaidan's lips on hers, the feeling of his hands and biotics dancing over her skin… how elated she'd felt when he confessed what she meant to him… the look in his eyes when she broke his heart.

Grabbing her undersuit, Charlie pushed those thoughts away and took over, shimmying the rest of the suit down her torso and legs before kicking it off. She immediately took the medical gown the nurse had given her and put it on to cover herself, holding out the ties for Kaidan to grab. He took them and began to tie the gown behind her neck, and she held her breath, trying to ignore the feeling of his skin brushing up against hers again.

For a moment, she didn't dare to move, savoring the momentary closeness they shared. Charlie wished they could go back to when things weren't complicated and he could make her feel better with a few words and the sincere look he'd give her—at the same time, her thoughts drifted to what they _could_ have if she took back the shit she said after they'd slept together.

It would be complicated, with her as his commanding officer, but with Kaidan… she would be happy. She knew it, had a brief taste of it when they slept together, and god help her, she wanted more.

"Before Ilos," Kaidan breathed, revealing his thoughts were running along the same lines as hers. "What you said after we…"

Charlie tensed, swallowing hard, refusing to look at him. "I meant every word," she lied, her voice low.

"Then you can at least look at me when you say it."

She whirled around and met his gaze, her eyes boring into his as he stared back at her, his brows drawn together and lips pressed thin. "It didn't mean anything, it was just sex," she said.

"That wasn't just sex," he replied, his voice rough, a pained look in his eyes.

It _wasn't_ just sex. Charlie had tried to keep some distance between them, even while they were entwined together. She tried to make it just about what was physically happening, with no emotions involved, but it was so much more than that. She _felt_ how much she meant to him in every press of his lips to hers and every movement he made. Despite everything, she knew she let her walls down, let herself feel everything that she felt for him—her _love_ for him. For a moment, it was everything she could have wanted… until reality came crashing down on her, reminding her that she couldn't have him.

"I was stressed out and you were there. It was a moment of weakness," she forced out past the knot in her throat, keeping her eyes on his. "I don't have feelings for you. I don't care about you. Nothing can ever happen between us."

"Charlie," he pleaded, reaching for her.

"Don't." Tearing her gaze from his, she stepped away from him and sat back down on the bed. "You need to go," she whispered, her chin trembling.

"Charlie, _please_ , just talk to me."

She snapped her face back towards his. "It's Commander Shepard!" she barked, Kaidan's head jerking backwards at her words. She saw the same look in his eyes as she did hours ago, and her chest constricted painfully at breaking his heart once again. "Now go, Lieutenant. That's an order."

Kaidan stared at her a moment longer, swallowing hard before he turned and left the room. A breath she didn't know she was holding rushed out of her the moment the door shut behind him. Her chest started to heave, and she covered her mouth, trying to control herself. It was no use, tears starting to slip down her cheeks as she began to cry.

 _I'm sorry._


	9. Memories

**Memories**

This is set at the very beginning of ME2, when no one knows Charlie is alive and before Kaidan is sent to Horizon. The state of Charlie and Kaidan's relationship when she died is referenced quite a few times in this, and it's worth it to know that while they did sleep together before Ilos, they weren't in a romantic relationship because Charlie screwed things up between them.

* * *

Kaidan stared at Charlie as a reporter approached her. She was in her dress blues, her blonde hair pulled back into her usual messy bun—he knew she had no care for the celebration, or Alliance dress regs for that matter, and she wasn't going to waste her time trying to pull her hair back into a perfect bun like the rest of the Alliance women present at the party. Charlie caught sight of the reporter coming her way and her already unamused expression furthered into a frown.

Before the reporter could ask her a question, a knock sounded at the door, drawing Kaidan's attention away from the vid screen. He paused the vid and took a swig of his drink, the alcohol burning his throat as he swallowed. He answered the door, finding Anderson on the other side.

"Anderson."

"I just wanted to stop by and congratulate you on your promotion, Staff Commander Alenko," Anderson greeted.

Kaidan gave him a curt nod. "Thanks."

Furrowing his brow, Anderson studied Kaidan before his eyes drifted to the vid screen across the room, Charlie's frown frozen on the screen.

Kaidan went to explain, but Anderson spoke first. "Mind if I join you?" he asked, his expression softened. Kaidan stared at the other man a moment, realizing that Anderson understood exactly what he was doing.

Finally, he nodded, stepping aside to let Anderson through. "Yeah, sure, come in."

The two men walked over to the couch, and Kaidan poured Anderson a glass of whiskey before handing it to him and sitting down, resuming the vid where it left off.

" _How do you feel about saving the Citadel, Commander?_ " the reporter asked, Charlie raising her eyebrow at the question.

" _Seriously?_ That's _the question you have for me?_ " she droned, her voice music to Kaidan's ears despite her clear displeasure in the vid. " _Not, 'Why is the Council covering up the existence of the reapers with their shitty geth story?' Because I have an answer for that one. The Council is—_ "

Before she could no doubt say something inappropriate about the Council, Udina stepped in, shooting her a warning glare, irritation clearly visible in his gaze. " _Commander, if you would, the Council would like to speak with you._ "

Charlie openly scowled at Udina, her lips pursing together. " _Yeah, sure they would,_ " she sarcastically drawled, grabbing a drink from a nearby server. She downed it in one gulp and then sighed, gesturing for Udina to get moving. " _Lead the way, soon-to-be-Councilor._ " She followed Udina towards the Council as the screen went black.

"She was always a pain in the ass when it came to the press," Anderson stated, a hint of a smile on the corner of his lips.

Kaidan huffed. "Yeah. She hated them."

"I don't blame her, not after what they said about her after Torfan."

Kaidan nodded in agreement, silence settling between them. He started the next vid, a knot forming in his throat when it started—he knew exactly which one it was.

The picture was shaky until it steadied on Charlie standing across from Wrex down in the lower deck of the Normandy, Joker, Liara, Tali, Garrus, and the rest of the crew forming a circle around them. Charlie rolled her shoulders and cracked her neck, while Wrex cracked his fingers.

" _This is a bad idea_ ," came Kaidan's own voice, just before the camera whirled on him. He was clearly worried, his lips pressed thin as he watched on with everyone else.

" _Relax, LT, she'll be fine,_ " came Ashley's voice. " _She's an N7_."

Kaidan raised an eyebrow, shooting Ashley and her omni-tool a look. " _He's a Krogan._ "

The picture focused back on Charlie and Wrex, now circling each other, until Ashley called out, " _Come on, get started already!_ "

"Don't tell me she actually wrestled the Krogan," Anderson said, momentarily pulling Kaidan's attention from the vid.

"We had a few drinks and… Joker dared her."

Anderson shook his head and barked a laugh. "Of course she couldn't turn that down."

" _No biotics,_ " Charlie said, Kaidan's eyes snapping back to the vid screen.

" _You ready, Shepard?_ " Wrex asked, and she laughed, a grin on her lips. Kaidan's heart constricted in his chest at the sight of her beautiful smile, and he took a deep drink from his whiskey as the vid progressed.

" _Absolutely not. But still, don't go easy on me, Wrex._ "

" _Heh, never!_ " the Krogan answered, lunging at her. Charlie dodged Wrex's attack, muttering curses to herself as she kept avoiding more and more hits, unable to get that many of her own in. Kaidan remembered watching the sparring match, his stomach dropping and his body tensing every time Wrex almost hit her, worrying she wouldn't be so lucky the next time he came at her.

Charlie finally got a punch in, a loud " _fuck_ " escaping her lips as she quickly pulled her hand back and shook her fist.

" _Did you even feel that?_ " she asked.

" _Nope!_ "

" _Shit, I did._ "

Wrex laughed as she continued to dodge his attacks, until she lost her footing. The Krogan took advantage of the momentary weakness and pinned her to the ground. Struggling against Wrex's enormous weight, Charlie tried to move, until she let out a deep breath, frowning.

" _Okay, fine, I give up. You win, Wrex—but only because I'm tipsy._ "

Wrex grinned at her and helped her up, slapping her on the back for a good effort. She rolled her eyes and shook her head as the crowd began to disperse, credits exchanging hands as some of the crew collected their winnings from their bets before the match.

The vid followed Charlie as she walked towards the elevator, and Kaidan watched as he cut her off.

" _How's your hand?_ " he asked, his eyes giving her a once over to make sure she wasn't injured anywhere else.

" _It's fine._ "

" _Let me see._ "

" _Alenko—_ "

" _Shepard_ ," he said firmly, and Charlie finally relented, rolling her eyes as she held her hand up for him. Kaidan watched himself gently take it into his own, remembering the warmth of her skin against his and the way his heart always beat faster whenever he touched her. In the vid, he softly rubbed his fingers over her bruised knuckles, and his eyes were locked on Charlie as she stared at him the entire time he examined her hand. In the moment, he had no idea she was looking at him, but when he watched the vid he never missed it. He wasn't surprised—he used to do the same thing when she wasn't looking.

" _You should ice it,_ " he said, meeting her gaze, still holding her hand.

Charlie nodded. " _I will._ " They held each other's gaze, a smile breaking out on Charlie's lips, one he returned. A moment later, she realized Ashley was still recoding them, and her eyes went wide as they darted to the other woman, jerking her hand back from his. " _Williams! You'd better get rid of that!_ " Charlie shouted, stalking towards her.

Ashley's " _shit_ " was heard before the screen shook and went black, signaling the end of the vid.

Kaidan took a deep swig of his whiskey, finishing off his glass and pouring himself another one. His chest was hollow, empty, the knot in his throat tighter than before as he fought back tears.

Seeing Charlie alive and _happy_ was the best and worst thing at the same time. He missed her smile and her laugh, her dry humor, the way she'd meticulously maintenance her guns and armor… he missed the time they spent together, just the two of them, whether talking or sitting in silence as they did paperwork. Seeing everything he missed about her, seeing _Charlie_ , reminded him of those happy memories. But it also crushed him at the same time because she was dead. He'd never see her _real_ smile again.

"You love her," Anderson said, a statement more than a question.

Kaidan looked at Anderson, his brows drawing together. "Yeah, I do." Closing his eyes, he released a deep breath. "I did."

Anderson nodded, looking down at his glass before meeting Kaidan's gaze again. "I don't know if this helps or makes it worse, but… she loved you, too."

Kaidan swallowed hard at Anderson's words, knowing he spoke the truth. He knew she loved him, no matter how many times she denied it and pushed him away. He knew it— _felt it_ —during their one night together before Ilos, and he knew that's what she was trying to tell him as she was dying, the strangled, panicked breaths he heard her take as she tried to speak the words still haunting him to that day.

"What makes you say that?" he forced out, curious to what made Anderson see it.

A soft smile settled on Anderson's lips. "You made her smile."

"I wasn't the only one."

"It was the way she looked at you when she smiled," he clarified. "I haven't seen her look at anyone like that since before Torfan." Nodding, Kaidan looked down into his drink before taking another deep swig. "I miss her too," Anderson sighed.

Kaidan blinked back tears, and started another vid, his chest tightening when another one of Ashley's vids came into focus, the image of Charlie asleep on his lap filling the screen, the sound of her snores filling the room.

He would have done anything to have a moment like that again.


	10. Good Intentions

**Good Intentions**

Charlie gets the Arrival DLC mission pretty much right after Horizon (which went somewhat worse for her and Kaidan than it was in-game), and she's determined to complete the mission to prove to the galaxy that she's not working for Cerberus.

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Commander?" Joker asked, eyeing Charlie from the corner of his eye. "You don't have the best history with batarians."

"No shit."

"And we won't have comms. Without the _Normandy_ in the system—"

"Relax, Joker," she huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're going to be right outside the system, and Garrus assures me the secure messaging channel he set up won't be detected by the batarians. So if shit goes south, all I have to do is send a quick SOS, and you can fly in and save the day."

"And if you can't send a message because you're dead?"

"I don't die so easily… not anymore, at least. Cerberus made sure of that," Charlie said, pursing her lips together. Shifting her weight, she furrowed her brow as she stared out at the stars past the front of the ship. "Besides, if you really think I'm going to let some batarian asshole take me down in some hidden, underground prison, you really don't know me as well as I thought you did."

Joker sighed. " _Shepard_."

" _Joker_."

He shot her a look and she rolled her eyes. "Hackett said Dr. Kensen found proof of a reaper invasion. If I can get my hands on that proof, everyone will see that I'm just trying to stop the reapers."

"And by everyone, you mean Kaidan," Joker drawled. "You do remember that you told him you were working for Cerberus, right?"

"No," she protested. "I told him I _wasn't_ working for Cerberus and that I was just _using_ them, but he insisted that I was working for them… so I told him he could go off and tell everyone that, since that's what everyone believes anyway." Charlie huffed and shook her head. "If I can complete this mission, he and everyone else in this fucking galaxy will see that I'm _not_ working for them."

"Okay. But you also said he's better off hating you." Joker raised an eyebrow at her. "This doesn't sound like a plan to make him hate you." Charlie glared at him, and he lifted his hands up in a defensive position. "What? Your words, not mine."

Taking a deep breath, she pulled her gaze away from the pilot and looked back out at the stars. "I don't have to make him hate me, he already does," she said quietly. Her mind flashed back to the look in Kaidan's eyes during their argument on Horizon, and the betrayal she saw there. He'd never looked at her like that until then, not even during the numerous times she treated him like shit before she died. Charlie forced the thoughts of Kaidan and the disaster that was their relationship—not like they'd even had a relationship to begin with—out of her head. She had a mission to complete, and she needed to stay focused. "Look, this isn't just about him. I'm trying to stop the reapers," she added.

"Sure," Joker said sarcastically.

"Okay, some of it is about him. But can you blame me? You heard our conversation on Horizon."

"I wouldn't call it a _conversation_."

"Exactly," she muttered, bristling. "It was a fucking mess. Everything he said… I'm not a traitor, Joker. I need him to see that I didn't betray him or the Alliance, whether he hates me or not."

Sighing, Joker pressed a few buttons before him. "Yeah, I get it." The ship dropped out of FTL, and Charlie could see Aratoht in the distance.

"Well, we're almost there, so if you don't mind, I'd rather stop talking about my shitty personal life and instead focus on the fun I'm about to have," she droned. "Shooting batarians has always been a favorite pastime of mine."

"Ha. Very funny."

Charlie flashed him a quick grin before turning to leave. "I'll send an encrypted message when I find Dr. Kenson and we're on our way back."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

— .. — — .. — — .. — — .. — — .. —

 _3 days later…_

"What the hell happened out there, Commander?"

Charlie pursed her lips as she stared up at Admiral Hackett, a frown plastered on his face. "What have you heard?" she asked tentatively, unsure of what information already reached him.

"All I know is I sent you out there to break Amanda Kenson out of prison, and now an entire system is destroyed," he replied, his voice firm. "I hope you can fill in the leap of logic between those two events."

Sliding off the bed in the med-bay, she took a deep breath and resisted the strong urge to glare at Hackett. She shoved the datapad with her report on it into his hands.

"Kenson was indoctrinated," Charlie began, watching as Hackett started to look over her report. "She was saying a bunch of bullshit about how the reapers were the galaxy's salvation. Her and her henchmen captured me, sedated me, and then held me against my will for _two whole days_ while they waited for their reaper overlords to show up—through the Alpha relay." Hackett returned his gaze to her, one eyebrow slightly raised. "When I got free, I did what I had to do in order to stop the reapers, since your friend sure as hell wasn't going to do it."

Lowering the datapad, the admiral placed his hands behind his back. "And you believe the reaper invasion really was a threat?"

"Absolutely. If I had waited any longer to destroy that relay, the reapers would be here right now."

"I'm sure all the details are in your report." Hackett sighed. "I won't lie to you, Shepard. The batarians will want blood, and there's just enough evidence for a witch hunt. And we don't want war with the batarians."

"What exactly are you saying?" she asked, narrowing her eyes, her stomach dropping.

"You did what you did for the best of reasons, but… there were more than three hundred thousand batarians in that system. All dead."

"And what I did saved _trillions_ of lives!" she barked back immediately. "Yeah, it was a heavy price, but it was worth it. Any sacrifice is worth stopping the reapers."

"I happen to agree with you," Hackett stated, remaining calm. "I'm sorry those batarians lost their lives, but someone has to make the difficult decisions that get people killed."

 _Don't I know it_ , Charlie thought to herself, shifting uncomfortably on her feet.

"Unfortunately, not everyone will see it that way."

"And?"

"Evidence against you is shoddy, at best. But, at some point, you'll have to go to Earth and face the music." Hackett paused, giving her a pointed stare. "I can't stop it… but I can and will make them fight for it."

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Charlie burst out, taking a step closer to him. "I stopped a reaper invasion—again! They should be thanking me, not putting me up on charges!"

"It's not a matter of preference, Shepard. You'll be a convenient scapegoat for avoiding open war."

"Of course I will," she drawled. "I've got the perfect history for it and everyone thinks I'm working for Cerberus… hell, they'll probably think I jumped at the chance to do it _for_ Cerberus." Sighing, she rubbed her eyes before focusing on Hackett again. "The fallout from this is going to be worse than fucking Torfan."

"You can handle it," Hackett stated.

She glared at him. "Thanks, that's so helpful," she said, sarcasm seeping into her voice. Hackett shot her a look before turning to leave the med-bay, and she frowned. "I can't just surrender myself to the Alliance right now. I'm kind of busy trying to stop the Collectors, since, you know, no one else seems to give a shit about all the human colonies going missing. I have a mission to complete."

"Do whatever you have to do out there," Hackett said over his shoulder. "But when Earth calls, you make sure you're there with your dress blues on, ready to take the hit." Turning to face her, he handed her the datapad he was still holding. "In the meantime, you keep this. I don't need to see your report to know you did the right thing."

"Yes, sir," she said with a curt nod, taking the datapad from him.

"You've done a hell of a thing, Commander." Hackett inclined his head to her, and she stood up straight, saluting him. He saluted back, and then made his way out of the med-bay and off the _Normandy_.

Charlie took a deep breath, leaning against the bed behind her, the events of the last couple days ruminating in the forefront of her mind. She pulled herself together and walked to the cockpit, plopping down in the co-pilot's seat next to Joker.

"You really can't make this shit up. I try to do something _good_ , and instead I end up destroying an entire system. I bet everyone's going to start calling me 'the Butcher of Aratoht' now, too," she muttered.

"The 'Butcher of Bahak' has a better ring to it," Joker tossed back, and she shot him a glare, the grin immediately falling from his face.

"This whole thing is a fucking mess. And don't you dare say, 'I told you so.'"

"I wasn't going to."

"Good, because despite the complete shitstorm I caused, I still stopped the reapers. If I hadn't gone on this mission, they'd be here right now, and those batarians would be dead anyway." _All 304,942 of them,_ she mentally added, swallowing hard past the knot in her throat. Joker went to say something, but she cut him off. "I'll stop distracting you. I'm going to go think… and drink."

Standing up, she released a wary breath and started for the elevator.

"Commander…"

"She whirled around, quirking an eyebrow at Joker. "Yeah?"

He hesitated a moment, and she narrowed her eyes at him, waiting for him to speak. "It's okay to feel bad about those batarians," he said quietly.

"But I don't. I'm a ruthless, coldhearted, bitch who does whatever it takes to get the job done, regardless of how many lives it costs, remember?" she drawled, frowning. "It's what I do best."

"Shepard."

"What? It's the truth! I told Hackett I would make whatever sacrifices were necessary to stop the reapers, and I would. I would do _anything_ to stop them," she started, her voice wavering. "Sacrifices are necessary. I feel like shit every time I have to sacrifice innocent lives for the greater good, but it's always _necessary_. No one ever seems to get that."

"We have your back," Joker offered. "We know you did what you had to do."

"I know… and I appreciate it." Charlie sighed. "But it's not _you_ I'm worried about," she mumbled. "Its everyone else… and…"

"Kaidan," Joker muttered, his gaze dropping from hers while he struggled for words. "He'll understand."

Rolling her eyes, she crossed her arms over her chest. "Yeah, sure he will. This will just convince him I'm a horrible traitor working for Cerberus—if he even manages to believe that I'm actually me."

Joker shook his head. "He knows you, Shepard."

A small flicker of hope ignited inside her as she considered Joker's comment, and she remembered something Kaidan once said to her.

 _You've made mistakes, but so has everyone else. They don't make you a bad person._

Kaidan always knew the right thing to say when she was feeling down, and he always believed in her, no matter what she did.

"Maybe he will understand," Charlie grumbled.

"See, problem solved!" Joker chirped, earning himself another glare.

"I said _maybe_."

"It's not a no."

"And I'm leaving now," she announced. "Have fun sharing the cockpit with EDI," she said as she walked off, smiling to herself when she heard Joker curse under his breath.

When she got to the elevator, her omni-tool beeped, and she brought up the display, a new email in her inbox. Her brows drew together when she saw it was sent to her old Alliance address—an address she hadn't used since before she died. Her heart skipped a beat as she read who the message was from, and she immediately punched the button for the first deck, tapping her foot while she waiting for the elevator doors to open again.

The moment they did, she stalked to her desk and sat down, bringing up her inbox on her private terminal. She stared at the preview of the email, her throat tight as an empty feeling settled in the pit of her stomach. Cursing herself for being unable to open the damn thing, she got up and grabbed a bottle from her stash of booze and took a deep swig of the drink without even looking at which bottle she'd grabbed. She brought it back to her desk and took another drink as she sat down, then placing the bottle on her desk beside her private terminal. Charlie took a deep breath and tried to steady herself before she finally opened the email and began to read.

 _From: Kaidan Alenko  
To: Charlotte Shepard  
Subject: About Horizon…_


	11. Doubts

**Doubts**

If it's not obvious, this takes place on the way to Mars in the beginning of ME3. Also, Charlie and Kaidan's relationship progresses a little differently than it does in-game-they loved each other and were extremely close, but Charlie ended up ruining things between them, so they weren't in a relationship at the end of ME1 in the time before she died. There's also a mention of Tucker, Charlie's boyfriend that died on Torfan.

* * *

Charlie finished securing the plates of her armor into place and looked down at herself, her lips pursing at her appearance. The standard-issue Alliance armor she'd found in an armor locker was nothing like her own N7 armor, most notably in color—she was so used to looking down at herself and seeing _black_ , not _blue_.

It had been years since she'd even worn Alliance armor, and the last time she did, she'd ended up covered in so much blood… hers, her unit's, batarians'… she could barely even tell her armor was blue.

Charlie swallowed hard as more memories came to the forefront of her mind, her chest growing tight when she picked up Tucker's dog tag from where it lay next to the guns she raided from the armory. She ran her fingers over the familiar engravings in the metal, images of his remains flashing before her eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Charlie forced the memories of Torfan out of her mind, instead focusing on preparations for the current mission. She didn't know what they were going to find on Mars, but it was going to help stop the Reapers, and that was the only thing that mattered… not the nightmare from her past.

She placed Tucker's dog tag on the chain holding her own, tucking them safely against her chest beneath the under suit of her armor. Pulling out a hairpin from her half-assed bun, she used it to pop out the pin in her assault rifle, giving it a quick inspection before re-assembling it and loading it with a thermal clip. Charlie glanced over to James and Kaidan to check their progress, just to find that Kaidan was already looking her way.

She immediately dropped her gaze and grabbed her next gun, mentally cursing herself for the way her heart sped up from the brief eye contact. _He_ was another distraction she didn't need, so she continued preparing for the mission while trying not to think about him and the absolute disaster their last conversation turned into.

"Shepard."

"Shit!" she shouted, her entire body tensing at the sudden sound. She jerked her head up towards the source, her stomach flipping when she realized that it was Kaidan who said her name, and that he started walking over to where she worked. Blinking rapidly, she scrambled for something to say until she finally just gave up, huffing as she shot him a glare. "Don't scare the shit out of me like that."

"Sorry," he murmured as he stepped up to her. He glanced back towards James and she followed his gaze, the Lieutenant watching the two of them as he prepared his own weapons. Great, they had an audience. "Charlie," Kaidan said, drawing her attention back to him. "I need to ask you something."

Charlie's stomach flipped again, her mouth suddenly dry. "Can it wait?" she forced out, and he shook his head. She opened her mouth and then closed it, tightening her jaw as she released a rush of air through her nose. "Fine, what is it?"

Kaidan held her gaze a moment, his brows drawn together as he studied her. "That batarian relay you destroyed," he started, narrowing his eyes. "Did you do that for Cerberus?"

Charlie's mouth fell open and her eyes widened as she processed his question. "I'm sorry, _what_?" she asked, her voice rising. "You don't really think that, do you?"

He dropped his gaze before bringing it back to hers. "There are rumors…"

"I don't give a fuck about the rumors!" She could hear her heartbeat thrumming in her ears, worry flooding through her at the thought of him actually believing that she killed hundreds of thousands of people because of a _grudge_. "What do _you_ think?" she asked, her eyes searching his face for an answer.

"I don't know what to think," he replied, shaking his head. "You don't have the best track record with batarians."

"I don't just shoot them on sight!" she retorted, staring at him incredulously. "I at least wait for them to give me a reason first, you know that."

"I just—"

"Don't, Kaidan," she muttered, a knot forming in her throat. Charlie stared at him, her lips pressed together and brows furrowed as she took a deep breath. "Look… you know that I'm willing to make whatever sacrifices are necessary to complete my mission." She paused, swallowing hard as she tried to keep her voice steady. "You know what those sacrifices have cost me, and that I don't make them lightly. As much as I loathe the batarians, I wouldn't just kill an entire colony of them unless I absolutely had to. And I had to."

Kaidan shifted on his feet, his expression softening. "Then what happened?"

"Hackett asked me to rescue his friend from a batarian prison because she'd found a Reaper artifact. It was right after Horizon, and I thought saving her and finding evidence that the Reapers were coming would show everyone—the Alliance, _you_ —that I was just trying to help." Sighing, Charlie dropped her gaze and frowned. "But the whole mission went to shit.

"Hackett's friend was indoctrinated and the Reapers were coming. The only way to stop them was to destroy the relay and that destroyed the colony." She hardened her gaze and returned it to Kaidan's. "I know I've done some pretty fucked up things in the past, but I wouldn't… I wouldn't do _that_."

"Charlie, I—"

"You know what," she interrupted, bitterness seeping into her voice. "I get people who don't know me believing that bullshit rumor. I'm the 'Butcher of Torfan,' after all, it's really not a hard leap to make. But you…" Charlie shook her head, blinking back tears as she stared at Kaidan, remembering the way he used to tell her she was a good person, despite her mistakes, and the way it used to warm her heart. Obviously he didn't think that anymore, and god, it was like a knife to the chest. His face fell, and she could see that he knew just what his accusation had done to her. "Even after everything… I thought you knew me better than that."

Kaidan opened his mouth to speak but she quickly cut him off before she got angry and said something she would regret… again.

"Just forget it," she spat, grabbing her guns as she stalked away. "We should head to the shuttle, we're probably almost at the archives."

"Commander!" James shouted after her, but she continued walking without looking back, cursing the fact that he'd been around to witness her and Kaidan's talk.

"Get in the fucking shuttle, Vega," she snapped back, ignoring the tightness in her chest as she reached the Kodiak. Swallowing hard, she took a deep breath and tried to focus on the mission… it was all that mattered.


	12. Ghosts of the Past

**Ghosts of the Past**

This is set in ME3, the same day Kaidan joins the crew again after Cerberus attacks the Citadel (Charlie and him had a bit of an argument about the armed standoff before he brought up joining the crew). This also references what happened to Charlie on Torfan and her boyfriend that died there. It's also worth nothing that she's at a stage where she's trying to talk about her problems instead of ignoring them, something she and Kaidan discussed when she apologized for all the crap she pulled over the years.

* * *

Charlie ignored the pain in her hands and wrists as she hit the punching bag James had set up in his makeshift gym in the shuttle bay. She wished she were punching a reaper, the Illusive Man, Kai Leng, or any other enemy she had to face in her mission to save the galaxy—because that was actually her mission.

She had to save the entire fucking _galaxy_.

Grunting in frustration, Charlie started to hit the punching bag harder, until the sound of the elevator doors opening caught her attention. She turned around to find Kaidan stepping off the elevator, her brows furrowing as he approached her. She was unsure of what to do; the shuttle bay had been empty when she started with the punching bag, the crew that worked down there having turned in for the night, and she was pleased that no one was hanging around while she… dealt with her issues.

But Kaidan was different. Charlie had missed him, and she was glad he was finally aboard the ship again, even though he was indirectly involved with her current problem.

"Kaidan," she said quietly, when he finally reached her. She watched as his gaze quickly flicked over body before he met her eyes, and she felt her cheeks burn as she realized she was clad in only a sports bra and spandex shorts. Not only that, she was a sweaty mess and probably looked like crap. Fantastic.

"You shouldn't be doing that without protecting your hands," Kaidan chided.

Charlie glanced down to her hands before shooting him a glare. "What are you doing down here?"

"Liara told me about Thane and a salarian doctor that used to be on your crew. Mordin?"

Tearing her gaze from his, she focused her attention back on the punching bag. "I'm fine," she muttered, beginning to hit it again.

Kaidan walked around her, grabbing the bag and giving her a pointed stare. "Charlie."

"I said I'm fine," she repeated, throwing a hard punch, the force of it pushing him back a step, even through the bag.

The sheer strength behind her punch made his eyes grow wide, his eyebrows shooting to his hairline. He studied her a moment, and she prayed he wouldn't ask about her unnatural strength. She didn't feel like explaining _that_.

"Charlie, it's just me," he said, growing serious again, and she pursed her lips. "I thought your new thing was talking about your problems?"

"I'd rather punch something," she shot back, shooting him another glare.

Kaidan sighed. "Look, if you don't want to talk about it now, that's fine. Just know that I'm here for you when you do."

"You point a gun at me a few hours ago, and now you want to help me with my problems?" she droned. Narrowing his eyes, Kaidan shook his head and turned to leave, and she slumped her shoulders, mentally cursing herself. "Wait!" she said quickly, and he stopped, turning back to face her. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. I don't want to argue again, it's just… it's been a long day, and…" Charlie sighed. "I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

Silence settled between them as they stared at each other, until she tore her gaze from his, looking to the floor. "And you're right, anyway. I should probably talk about this shit." Charlie grabbed a nearby pair of sparring mitts and handed them to Kaidan. "But I'm going to keep up the punching while I do."

He took the mitts from her but didn't put them on. "Only if you protect your hands."

"My hands are fine," she protested. He quirked an eyebrow at her, unconvinced. "This is my ship, you know. I'm in charge. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do."

" _Charlie_."

Sighing, she grabbed a pair of punching gloves and quickly put them on. "Happy now?"

He smirked at her and she rolled her eyes as he put on the sparring mitts, holding them up when he finished. "I thought I'd find you with your guns," he stated as she began to hit the mitts, over and over again.

"That wasn't working. I needed something more physical." To emphasize her point, she threw a strong punch she knew he'd feel through the padded sparring mitt. She kept going at it, thoughts of the war and the people she'd already lost—and what other horrors would surely come—swirling in her head as she continued punching. Charlie mentally cursed the reapers and all the other crap she had to deal with every time she landed a hit, until her emotions got out of hand, her body tensing as anger flared up within her.

Taking a step back from Kaidan, she threw her punching gloves off, her chest heaving as she ran a hand through her hair. He pulled the sparring mitts off his hands, gently placing them down before he tentatively reached for her.

"Hey—"

"You know, I've done a lot of shitty things for the greater good—Torfan, killing the Rachni, the batarian relay—but the moment I point a gun at you I can't pull the trigger," she burst out, the words tumbling from her lips. Kaidan's brows drew together, his hands dropping to his side as she stepped back from him. "If you hadn't backed down, I wouldn't have been able to shoot you, even if it was the only way to save the Council," she continued. "I couldn't shoot Mordin either, and I couldn't lie to Wrex about the genophage, even though that would have gotten me the support I need for this fucking war.

"The galaxy needs the cold, ruthless soldier that chose to send her squad to their deaths in order to complete her mission. They need the Commander Shepard that's willing to make the hard decisions that'll let us win, but… I've gone _soft_."

"What?" Kaidan muttered, his head jerking back. "You haven't gone soft. You're just, I don't know, doing things differently."

"Not differently. _Ineffectively_."

"Hey," he started, stepping forward and reaching out to grab her arm, his thumb soothingly rubbing over her skin. Shivering slightly, Charlie leaned into the touch before he suddenly pulled his hand back. "We got through today and stopped Cerberus. And you got the salarians' support in the end. You're still getting the job done."

" _Thane_ got the salarians' support when he saved their councilor," she retorted, crossing her arms over her chest. "And now he's dead." Kaidan opened his mouth to speak, but she shook her head, cutting him off. "I know, I know, this is a war and people are going to die. Anyone on this ship could end up dead, you and I included… that's what we signed up for."

His expression softened. "I was going to say it's okay to grieve." Kaidan lifted his hand and then dropped it, fisting it at his side. "You're allowed to be upset, Charlie."

Releasing a deep breath, she looked to the ground. "With the reapers here, there isn't time. We have to win first. I'll grieve when this is all over."

"That hasn't worked out so well for you in the past."

Charlie raised her eyes to meet his and opened her mouth to argue, promptly shutting it when she realized he was right. She pursed her lips, shifting her weight to her other foot.

"After Ash died, you pushed everyone away and threw yourself into stopping Saren," he started, his gaze holding hers. "From what you've told me about Torfan, you did the same thing then—alienated yourself, and jumped into N7 training to get away from it all."

"Is this the part where you tell me not to do the same thing now? To lean on my friends for support? That it'll make it all better?" she said dryly, a frown on her face.

"It's not going to fix it," he replied, exasperated. "But we can help."

"Until you all end up dead—or worse, I have to choose between saving you and ending the reapers." She shook her head, swallowing hard. "I can't go through another Torfan, Kaidan, I _can't_. I have to remain objective. It sounds really shitty, but it's easier to send faceless people to their deaths than people you care about on a personal level. It still hurts, because they're innocent and don't deserve to die, but I can do that if it's necessary for the mission. I can't kill people I'm close to."

"But who can?"

"Me!" she barked, stepping up to him. "The old me. That is exactly what I did on Torfan."

Huffing, Kaidan shook his head, his eyes searching her face. "Charlie, you make it sound like you executed your squad, but they made a sacrifice that saved the lives of countless Alliance forces."

"Right, I saved lives… and then I went took some when I murdered those batarians. When I got _revenge_." She stared him down, waiting for a reply, but he just sighed as he struggled for the right words. A bitter laugh escaped her. "Yeah, I didn't think you had a comeback for that one, even after all this time."

"You made a mistake," he replied, his voice low. He sounded just like he did when she told him about Torfan for the first time back on the SR-1—like he still believed there was a part of her that was _good_.

"Yeah, it was a mistake," she whispered, a knot forming in her throat. "But sending my squad to their deaths… that wasn't. Because of that decision, the mission was a success. It was ruthless but necessary… that's what I do." Sniffling, Charlie blinked back tears, breathing in a shaky breath. "I'm scared, Kaidan," she breathed, "scared that this war is going to end up like Torfan. That there's going to come a time when I can't get around making another decision like that, and I'll be forced to do it all over again." A tear dripped down her cheek as her lips trembled, and she quickly wiped it away with the heel of her hand. "They were my family. And Tucker"—her chest heaved, more tears rolling down her face—"I loved him. I loved him and I killed him. It's my fault and I can't… I can't live through that again."

Charlie broke into a sob, and almost immediately, Kaidan's arms slipped around her as he pulled her into his embrace. "Hey, hey, come here," he murmured, holding her close, softly rubbing his hand over her back to calm her. "It's not your fault. It's not. We'll get through this, Charlie."

She grasped at his uniform shirt and buried her face in the crook of his neck as she cried, unable to stop the tears from falling. Eventually, her breathing began to steady as she calmed down, and she relaxed against Kaidan, not wanting to pull away just yet. Taking a deep breath, she cautiously slid her arms around his waist, so she was holding him back, waiting for him to move away or to object to the gesture—but he never did. Instead, he tugged her the slightest bit closer, her eyes fluttering closed as she settled against him.

Their first hug on Horizon hadn't been long enough—everything went to shit after that anyway—but now, Charlie had the chance to listen to the constant thump of his heartbeat, to feel the warmth of his body seeping into her, and to inhale his familiar scent that hadn't changed over their years apart. It was nice to be in Kaidan's arms, the soft brush of his hands over the skin of her back comforting. She felt as if everything would be okay, even though she knew it wouldn't. In that moment, she was almost content.

But, they couldn't stay that way forever, as much as she wished they could. They had to return to the real world eventually.

Charlie savored the moment for a second longer before she sniffled and released him, and he pulled his arms back, catching her cue. Staring down at her, he smiled, causing her heart to skip a beat.

"Your makeup, uh… you look a little bit like a raccoon," he pointed out, and she huffed, slumping her shoulders.

"It's supposed to be waterproof," she whined, attempting to wipe the ruined makeup off her eyes. Kaidan grabbed a small rag and brought it up to her face, gently wiping the tears off her cheeks before trying to remove her makeup. "One usually uses a makeup removal product for that," Charlie muttered, a tiny smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

"Right." He put the rag back, his eyes dropping to the floor before returning to hers, his gaze boring into hers. Her breath hitched in her throat as he lifted his hand between them, the air rushing out of her lungs when he fisted it and returned it to his side, again. "It's not your fault, you know," he rumbled.

"Do you really still believe that?" she breathed, swallowing past a knot forming in her throat.

"I do. It was… it was a bad situation, but you did what you could," he explained. "You got some of your men out and saved many others." Funny, he said almost the same thing when she first told him about Torfan. If he was still saying it three years later, after everything they'd been through, maybe he was right. Maybe.

"Yeah, I guess…"

"And I didn't know him, but I don't think Tucker would want you to blame yourself."

Narrowing her eyes, Charlie pressed her lips together as she thought about his comment—he was right, but she wasn't going to admit it. Not yet, anyway. "I should go," she finally said, taking a step backwards from him. "It's late and I should really shower and… take care of other things."

Kaidan nodded, and she tore her eyes from his as she took a deep breath and made her way towards the elevator, his words repeating in her head. She didn't dare look up until the doors were closing, and she caught a glimpse of him watching her as they shut. Pushing the button for the first deck, she leaned back against the wall and crossed her arms, a frown settling on her face.

She had a lot to think about.

-.- -.- -.- -.- -.-

Charlie walked out of the mess hall chewing on the final bits of her breakfast as she read from the datapad in her hand, mentally cursing the work she had to get done in the wake of Cerberus' attack on the Citadel.

"Hey, Charlie," came Kaidan's voice out of nowhere, her head jerking upwards towards the source of the sound. He stood in front of her, a smile playing on his lips as he stared down at her.

Swallowing the last bits of food in her mouth, she cleared her throat. "Hi."

"You should watch where you're going. You might walk into something and hurt yourself."

"I'd just hurt whatever I walked into," she retorted, smirking back at him.

Nodding, Kaidan released a light laugh. "You're probably right. Though I doubt EDI would appreciate that."

Charlie huffed, smiling as she fidgeted with the datapad in her hand. After a moment, the smile fell from her face, her gaze darting away from Kaidan's before she looked at him again. "I'm sorry about last night," she began. "I was a mess and—"

"You don't need to apologize," he replied, his voice soft. "I've got my things set up on the starboard observation deck. You can come by whenever you like, okay? Door's open."

"I… thanks."

"Of course." After a short silence, he continued. "Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah, I guess," she answered with a sigh. "I'm still terrified of what I'm going to have to do to win this war—I don't think that'll ever go away. But I did some thinking about what you said about Torfan and blaming myself and all that… and, uh, I'm going to _try_ to be better about it." Kaidan smiled at her words, and she looked to the floor, avoiding his eyes. "You were right. It's what Tucker would have wanted," she mumbled.

"Did you just actually admit I was right?" he teased, and she rolled her eyes, shooting him a glare.

"Oh, shut up." Taking a deep breath, she shook her head. "I've told you, I'm working on… _things_. At least I'm trying to, anyway."

"You're doing well so far."

She huffed. "Please, this is just the tip of a very massive iceberg. I have a lot of crap to work through."

"You don't have to do it alone. Like I said, my door's open." He opened his mouth to continue, but quickly shut it, glancing to the side as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"What?"

"You can talk to me about anything… even Tucker. If you want to, I mean."

Charlie quirked an eyebrow at him. "You'd be willing to listen to me talk about my dead boyfriend?" she asked, her voice stiff.

"If it would help."

She stared at him a moment longer, seeing nothing but a sincere, genuine want to talk about such a topic. She couldn't help but smile when she realized that he meant what he said. "You are… I'm glad you're back," she admitted, a pleased sigh escaping her.

"I'm glad to be back," Kaidan said, a half smile on his lips.

"I should really go though, I have a lot of work to do. This ship is twice the size of the first _Normandy_ , which means twice the work."

"Talk to you later, then?" he asked, a hopeful look in his eyes.

Charlie smiled. "Yeah, I'd like that."


	13. Friendly Advice

**Friendly Advice**

This takes place after Kaidan rejoins the crew in ME3, but before he and Charlie are together.

* * *

Charlie fired her pistol at the target at the far end of the shooting range until the gun's thermal clip reached it's max. As she ejected it, she saw a flash of movement out of the corner of her eye and turned towards it to discover that Kaidan had entered the range.

"Hey, I didn't hear you come in," she said, offering him a smile as she holstered her pistol.

"Figured I'd get some practice in while we're docked here," he replied, gesturing to the guns he brought with him.

Charlie pressed a button on the console before her, the target zooming down the range towards her as she watched him place his pistol down, getting his assault rifle—a standard M-8 Avenger—ready to use. Glancing at the target she'd been shooting, she noted the dispersal of her precise, accurate shots before she pressed another button to switch out the used target for a new one.

"The Avenger's new," she started, looking back to Kaidan. "When did that happen?"

He huffed, the corner of his lips turning upwards into a lopsided smile. "Anderson insisted I pick it up after I got promoted a couple years ago." His face suddenly fell, his lips pursing together. "He figured relearning it would be a good distraction…"

 _From my death_ , Charlie finished mentally. "Was it?"

Sighing, he looked down to the rifle in his hands. "At first it reminded me of you," he said quietly, and her throat tightened at his words, "but I learned to deal with it." She opened her mouth to speak, to say _something_ , but her mind was blank and she promptly shut her mouth, her brow furrowing. Kaidan breathed in deeply and focused on her again. "I hadn't used one since basic training. It took some time to readjust, but I like it."

"I told you so," she said with a grin, remembering the time she tried to convince him to try out an assault rifle back on the SR-1. "Welcome to the big guns club, Major."

He chuckled. "Thanks."

She held his gaze until she started eyeing the rifle in his hands, an idea popping into her mind. "You know… I've been watching you with that Avenger and I think I've got a few tips to improve your shooting."

Kaidan quirked an eyebrow at her and bit back a knowing smile. "Tips?"

"Mostly gun mods."

"Thought so."

"You interested?" she asked, tentatively, not wanting to overstep, despite the fact that if it were anyone else she wouldn't have even bothered to ask. He nodded, and she took a step closer to him, her eyes widening as a smile lit up her face. "Now, don't get me wrong, the Avenger is a good weapon for any type of soldier," she began, her voice higher in pitch as she talked faster than usual. "It's lightweight, pretty accurate, it has a sizable capacity, and compared to other assault rifles, it's quicker to reload the thermal clip. It doesn't really have any major drawbacks, but it doesn't exactly have any major strengths, either. _But_ , you can still make it better.

"First off, I've got an extra thermal scope if you want it, which'll come in handy when those Cerberus assholes try to hide behind their smoke grenades. And if you increase the capacity, you'll be able to inflict more damage before reloading, which'll counteract it's lower than average damage capability. Extending the barrel will let you do more damage, too.

"Or, if you're not attached to it, you could always use an M-25 Vindicator. It packs more of a punch and it's more accurate. Only downside to the Vindicator is that it's got less of a clip capacity and the three-burst fire doesn't work for every combat situation," Charlie finished, slightly breathless. Kaidan didn't answer her right away, and she frowned, staring at him. He was looking back at her with his head slightly tilted to the side with a tiny smile on his lips, almost as if he were in another galaxy. "Did you get _any_ of that? And why are you looking at me like that?"

He snapped out of whatever daze he was in, his brows furrowing as a slight blush tinged his cheeks. "Like what?"

"I don't know. Like whatever weird way you were looking at me."

"I wasn't looking at you weird."

"Yes, you were," Charlie insisted, shooting him a look.

"I wasn't… oh, forget it," he muttered, scratching the back of his neck, darting his eyes away from her.

She studied him a moment longer before crossing her arms over her chest. " _Anyway_ , those are my suggestions for your rifle."

He returned his gaze to hers and let out a light chuckle, a smile on his lips. "Are you going to tell me how to handle my pistol, next?"

Barking a laugh, she shook her head. "No, I know how good you are with it," she said. "You're not as good as me, though. It helps that my Paladin's a step above your Carnifex."

"Really? You want to test that out, Charlie?"

She smirked. "Those are just the facts. But if you want to lose… I can indulge you."

"We'll see about that."

Just as they were about to grab their pistols, Charlie's omni-tool beeped, and she pulled up the display, groaning at the message asking for her assistance back on the _Normandy_.

"Damn it, I have to go," she grumbled. "Rain check?"

"Yeah," Kaidan replied, smiling past the disappointment in his eyes.

"See you back on the ship."

He nodded and Charlie grabbed her guns, turning to leave the shooting range. Casting a final glance over her shoulder before she reached the door, she found him still smiling at her, and she couldn't help but smile back as her heart fluttered in her chest.

She was still smiling when she got to the _Normandy_.

\- . - - . - - . - - . - - . -

Charlie dangled her feet over the edge of the weapon bench in the main battery room as she watched him calibrate the ship's main guns. They'd been talking before they settled into a comfortable silence, content to simply be in each other's presence.

She zoned out after a while, her mind wandering to the war and what was still to come, until her omni-tool beeped, signaling a new message—from Kaidan.

 _\- what are you doing now?_

 _\- main battery with garrus. he's calibrating the guns. again. why?_

 _\- i could use your help. i can't decide between extending my rifle's barrel or increasing the capacity._

 _\- be down soon._

Charlie looked up from her omni-tool to find Garrus staring at her with an amused expression. "What?" she asked.

"Let me guess," he drawled. "Message from Kaidan?"

She narrowed her eyes at the turian. "What makes you say that?"

"I haven't seen you smile like that in a while. It's been happening a lot since he's been back."

She huffed, unaware she'd even been smiling. She probably looked ridiculous staring at her omni-tool like that. "Well… yeah, it was him," she replied, ignoring the heat in her cheeks as she hopped down off the weapon bench. "He needs some help in the armory, so I'm going to head down there."

"Oh, I see. I'm getting abandoned for the boyfriend," Garrus droned, and she shot him a glare.

"Because sitting here watching you calibrate the ship's guns is _so_ productive," she shot back. "And he's _not_ my boyfriend."

"Not yet," he muttered under his breath, focusing back on his work.

"We're… I don't know what we are," she started, feeling as if she had to explain herself, but couldn't find the right words. "I just know that I'm glad he's back."

"So am I. You're not as mean."

"Oh, shut up, you ass."

"Look who's talking."

"I'm leaving now!" she shouted, as she stalked out the door. She heard Garrus laugh to himself and she smiled, shaking her head. Quickly striding over to the elevator, she pressed the button for the fifth deck, and leaned back against the wall while tapping her foot as she waited for the elevator to get down there.

When the doors finally opened, Kaidan was waiting for her, a smile on his lips that she couldn't help but return. She walked up to the weapon bench and leaned against it, glancing over his assault rifle and other supplies laid out upon the surface.

"I figured I'd ask the resident expert which mod she would use," he said, and Charlie smirked.

"Resident expert, huh?"

"Resident gun lover?"

"I like expert better. Makes me sound more sophisticated," she replied, earning a light chuckle. She turned her attention to his gun, running her fingers over the length of it as she pursed her lips and her eyes darted back and forth from the rifle upgrades he also had out. "I'd extend the barrel. It'll probably pan out better in the long run since the clip reload is quick. Better to have more damage per shot than trying to have more shots since you can already get in a lot with the quick reload."

"Looks like I'm extending the barrel, then," he said, reaching for the mod. Charlie reached for it at the same time, their hands making contact, fingers brushing against each other's. Her heart seized in her chest at the accidental touch, and she quickly jerked her hand back, tentatively meeting his gaze. He was staring right back at her and she swallowed hard, getting lost in his whiskey-colored eyes. She barely registered her heartbeat thumping wildly in her ears, too focused on him and how his lips parted as he took in a sharp breath. Her eyes were drawn to the scar on his lips, and she wanted nothing more than to press her own lips against his.

"Charlie," he rumbled, his voice low. He shouldn't have been allowed to say her name like _that_. "You should do it."

It took her a second to realize that he was referring to extending the barrel on his rifle. "You sure?" she breathed.

"Yeah. You're the expert."

Huffing, she took a step back from him and turned her attention to his assault rifle and bit her lip as she got to work equipping it with the extended barrel mod. She took her time with it, and was as careful and meticulous as if she were handling her own gun. As something that could keep him safe in combat, she wanted to make sure it worked perfectly. When the extended barrel was on, she quickly grabbed the extra thermal scope from her armor locker and switched it out with the one already on the gun, peering through the scope when she finished.

Giving the gun a final once-over before deciding it was finished, she handed it over to Kaidan. "There you go. All this baby needs is a thermal clip and she'll be ready to go." He took the gun and inspected it for himself, getting a feel for the changes. "It might be a bit heavier with that scope and barrel, but it shouldn't take too much getting used to."

Kaidan placed the rifle back on the weapon bench before turning his gaze to hers, a small, lopsided smile on his lips. "Thanks, a lot. I appreciate it."

"Anytime," she replied, quietly. "I mean it. You know where to find me if you need gun advice or anything like that."

He let out a short laugh. "I'll keep that in mind."

"And even if you don't need help, you know I like fiddling with my guns. We could… fiddle together, I guess."

"Well, if you want to stay… I was planning on cleaning my pistol," he offered, and she beamed at him.

"I'll grab mine," she burst out, before darting off to grab her guns. She placed them on the weapon bench beside his and picked up her pistol, making sure there wasn't a thermal clip inserted before she started to take the gun apart. Kaidan did the same with his, and she peeked over at him while she worked, finding him smiling at her. Looking away, he rubbed the back of his neck before he continued, and Charlie grinned to herself.

She was starting to act like a lovesick teenager with her first crush around him, but she was past caring—like she had told Garrus, she was just glad that Kaidan was around again. They ended up spending so much time together on the old Normandy, and even though they were on shitty terms when she died, she still missed having him around during her time stopping the Collectors.

Now that he was back, things were looking up, at least with her personal affairs. The galaxy was still falling apart more and more as each day went by, but when she was with Kaidan she could _almost_ forget the horrors that were happening around the galaxy and that she was supposed to save everyone. Spending time with Garrus, Liara, and her other friends helped, too, but Kaidan… he knew her better than anyone on the ship, better than she knew herself, and ever since the SR-1 days, he always knew what to say to make her feel better whenever she felt like crap.

Even if that was saying nothing at all while they cleaned their guns together.


	14. Scars

**Scars**

This takes place in ME3, after Charlie and Kaidan are together. They've also discussed the specifics of what happened to her body when she died and during the two years Cerberus brought her back from the dead, but her renegade scars didn't make it into the conversation because she got rid of them as soon as she could.

* * *

Charlie should have known her and Kaidan's peaceful walk through the Citadel would be interrupted. Hearing her own voice sounding over the Citadel, she stopped in her tracks, her eyes finding the source of the sound from a nearby news terminal.

" _Oh, for—_ BLEEP— _sake, I came here to get help for Earth. For everyone_ ," she watched herself say, her lips pursing as she recognized the line from her latest interview with that al-Jilani woman.

" _What about all the people suffering while you play politics with the Council? What about them? How can you stand here while our families die? What are you going to do?_ "

" _The same damn thing I've been doing for the past three years: find a way to stop the reapers, or die trying. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go save the—_ BLEEP _—galaxy. Again._ "

"I despise that interview," Charlie droned, frowning at the terminal as a news anchor wasted time discussing her colorful language in the interview.

Beside her, Kaidan opened and closed his mouth, struggling for words. "It was…"

"Horrible? A failure? Painful to watch?"

"Something like that," he huffed.

"Honestly, what did she expect to get from me? It was the day we left Earth—the reapers attacked, you almost died, and I had to deal with the Council's political bullshit. And I hate the media."

"Not the best combination of events."

Sighing, Charlie shook her head and stepped up to a railing looking over the Citadel. "Nope. I'm surprised they didn't have to stick more censor beeps in there."

Kaidan joined her on the railing, a light chuckle on his lips, and she shot him a playful glare, elbowing him in the side. He shoved her back with his hips, catching her gaze with a smile as they settled next to each other, the length of their bodies comfortably pressed together, side-by-side.

"You know," Kaidan started, hesitating before continuing, "after I got back from Horizon, I saw an interview you did about coming back from the dead."

Charlie's stomach dropped, her eyes wide as she jerked her gaze to his face, trying to read his expression. The moment her eyes met his, she knew what he was thinking—the exact same thing she was thinking.

"My scars…" she breathed, swallowing hard. Kaidan nodded, and she looked back out over the Citadel, trying to process the new revelation. "I didn't know you saw those."

He was quiet a moment, before he answered softly. "I did."

"Fantastic," she drawled, turning her gaze to him once again. When she met his eyes, she looked down, taking a deep breath before returning them to him.

"I thought you said Cerberus healed all your injuries when they brought you back," he said, a statement more than a question.

"And you want to know why I glowed in the dark."

"I don't think you _glowed_."

"Yeah, I did, trust me," she huffed.

Slightly tilting his head to the side, he arched an eyebrow at her. "What happened?"

"Oh, you know, I just happened to wake up before my skin was finished healing, so my brand-spanking-new, _glowing_ cybernetics shone through the remaining scars on my body. Just a normal, run of the mill, side effect of being brought back from the dead," she droned, looking out over the Citadel.

" _Charlie_ ," Kaidan berated. She rolled her eyes and reluctantly turned back to face him, leaning into his touch when he ran his hand down her arm. "You don't have to do that. It's just me."

She sighed. "I know, it's just… you weren't supposed to see me like that," she muttered. "Every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't see _me_ , I just saw some monster Cerberus took advantage of to do their bidding. Those scars were a reminder of everything that had happened to me, everything that I lost, and I hated them." Kaidan's lips pressed into a thin line as she spoke, his brows drawing together. "When Dr. Chakwas figured out how to get rid of the damn things, I was so relieved, because it was right before Horizon… I didn't want to risk you seeing them, and seeing all the same crap I saw when I looked at myself," she finished, her voice quiet. "So much for _that_."

"Hey," Kaidan said softly, taking her hands in his as he shot her a serious look. "It wouldn't have mattered if you still had them."

Glaring at him, Charlie pulled her hands from his and crossed her arms over her chest, quirking her eyebrow. "Kaidan, you weren't even sure I was actually me. I don't think having glowing red scars on my face would have helped with the clone-android-AI- _whatever_ theories you were entertaining at the time."

He opened his mouth to protest, but promptly shut it. "Okay, you have a point," he admitted, and she shot him a look that said _I told you so_. He ignored the look, and instead lifted his hands, his fingers tracing over her jaw before settling on her face, his thumbs gently caressing her cheeks. Charlie rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what he was attempting, but a small smile still tugged at the corner of her lips. "But if you had them now… it wouldn't matter. I'd still want to be with you." He paused, his eyes roving over her face.

"Kaidan," she breathed, "you don't have to—"

"I wouldn't see a monster, Charlie, I'd see _you_. And I love _you_."

"I know," she said, biting her lip to hold back a full-blown grin. "I love you, too."

"I know," he echoed, a contagious smile on his lips.

"You, Major Kaidan Alenko, are a total sweetheart," Charlie started after a brief moment. "But still, even if the scars didn't bother you, I wouldn't walk around with my face looking like a scary nightlight."

He laughed, and she flashed him a grin before pulling back, intending on continuing their walk through the Citadel. Before she could take a step, he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her flush against him and into a deep kiss.

Momentarily lost in the taste of his lips and his hands holding her close, she didn't realize just what they were doing until they broke for air, and she whacked him in the shoulder. "We're in public," she hissed, glaring at him.

"I don't care," Kaidan said with a grin, and Charlie barely had time to smile before his lips were on hers again.

"If someone sees us…"

"Screw 'em."

Charlie broke the kiss, placing a hand on Kaidan's chest to keep him from leaning in once again. "Kaidan, the fucking paparazzi would flip a shit if they found out about us. It'd be the perfect distraction to the war."

Sighing, he took her hand from his chest and briefly held it in his own before dropping it. "You're right. Want to grab some food and beers to go and head back to the _Normandy_?"

"Tempting, but what if we head to the Spectre office instead of the ship? It's closer, and we'll still be alone there, so we can have a little fun after we eat."

"Fun?" Kaidan asked, smirking at her.

"Not _that_ kind of fun. I'm thinking more of a shooting competition at the range. We could even turn it into a drinking game."

A bark of laughter escaped his lips. "That could be dangerous."

"And that's why it'll be fun," Charlie retorted. "Besides, you might have a chance of outshooting me if I'm tipsy."

"Someone's a little cocky."

"I'm just telling the truth."

Kaidan grinned at her, a competitive glint in his eye, and she knew she had him convinced. "Fine, you're on."


	15. Nickname Games

**Nickname Games**

This takes place in ME3, and is based off of a headcanon I thought of recently, involving Charlie and Kaidan calling each other ridiculous nicknames.

* * *

Charlie stared at her schedule for the following day and slumped back in her desk chair with a groan. A briefing with the Council was not something she was looking forward to, especially since it was about Spectre expenses—or some other boring bullshit she could care less about. Between that and her _wonderful_ history with them, it was bound to be an exciting hour. She could only hope the _Normandy_ 's transmission to the Citadel was lost before she either fell asleep or said something inappropriate.

Dragging her hands down her face, Charlie let her head fall back and stared up at the ceiling as she muttered a curse to herself. The briefing was going to suck, but at least Kaidan would be right there with her. Knowing him, he probably prepared for the briefing days ago, and could most likely handle all the talking himself while she just sat there and tried to look like she didn't want to shoot someone.

The sound of the squeaky shower nozzle, and the subsequent stop of running water momentarily distracted Charlie from her thoughts, drawing her attention away from her problem and to a possible solution. Standing up, she leaned against the edge of the desk and shelves adjacent to the bathroom door and crossed her arms.

"Dearest Kaidan," she singsonged, loud enough so he'd hear her, "my darling dewdrop, most handsome nerd in the galaxy…"

She heard him release a bark of laughter, and she smiled, pleased with his reaction. A moment later the bathroom door slid open and Kaidan stepped out, a towel hanging from his hips, another in his hand as he used it to dry his hair. "Yes, my sweet snuggluffagus?" he replied, meeting her gaze with a smile.

Snorting, Charlie stood up straight, catching sight of a water droplet as it dripped down his chest and over the planes of his abdomen. She tore her eyes from his bare chest and returned them to his. "You made notes for our call with the Council tomorrow, right?"

He shot her a look before heading towards their bed, continuing to dry himself. "You forgot about it, didn't you?"

She chased after him, snatching his towel with one hand, the other on his shoulder to steady him as she began to dab the towel at the base of his head, making sure his implant was thoroughly dried. "Maybe… I mean, I'm trying to save the galaxy, here. Updating the Council on our expenses isn't exactly my top priority at the moment." Satisfied with the state of his implant, Charlie planted a gentle kiss on his hairline right next to it and handed his towel back to him. "Besides, you know how much I hate dealing with them. It's really not a surprise that I completely forgot about the briefing," she finished, making her way to the bed, plopping down on the edge.

Kaidan huffed, smiling at her. "I'll send you my notes," he said, grabbing a pair of underwear before dropping the towel around his waist. "We can go over them tonight, if you want."

Charlie admired the curve of his bottom as he bent over to put on his underwear, her lips curling into a grin. "Thank you, my scrumptious blossom butt."

Kaidan burst out into laughter, and she joined him, unable to hold her own laughter in. When they calmed, he finally finished tugging his underwear on and stepped up to where she sat on the edge of the bed. Hooking her finger in the waistband of his underwear, she gently pulled him forward, falling to her back and scooting upwards on the bed as he crawled next to her and propped his head up on his elbow.

"You're welcome, my…" he started, brows furrowed as he struggled for a response. "My… beautiful… sugar booger."

" _Sugar booger?_ " she asked, a giggle escaping her lips. "What the hell is that? That's a horrible one!"

"That's the point, isn't it?" he said, brushing her hair back from her face. "And it's not like 'blossom butt' was much better."

Charlie playfully shoved him in the chest. "Hey! It _was_ better. You have a very nice ass and I was just… appreciating it."

Kaidan chuckled, smiling as he wrapped an arm around her waist and shifted them closer together. "Is that so?"

"Oh yeah, your ass is fantastic. I couldn't help but stare at it and use a butt-related nickname," she explained, biting back a grin. He shook his head and pressed his mouth to hers, her eyes fluttering closed at the tender kiss. When he pulled back, she sighed contently before opening her eyes again, her fingertips dancing over his jawline before her hand fell to his chest. "You know, you're getting pretty good at this nickname game of ours."

"I looked some up on the extranet," he replied, smirking. "You know me, I don't like cutting corners."

Charlie huffed, unable to hold back a smile at his remark. "I bet that was a great use of your Spectre priority of the bandwidths in this time of war."

"At least I don't use it to watch terrible reality vids," he retorted. "What's that one you were watching yesterday? 'Citadel Housewives?'"

"It's 'The Real Housewives of the Citadel,'" she corrected. "And I'll have you know that I'm three seasons behind because I'm too busy to catch up—trying to save the galaxy and all that, remember?"

"That's your excuse for everything."

"It's a perfectly valid excuse."

"Not for the Council."

Frowning, Charlie shoved Kaidan upwards and rolled them over until she straddled him. "Fuck the Council," she muttered, pursing her lips together.

"You need to prepare for the briefing," he said softly, giving her a serious look.

"Or we could just disconnect the call right when it starts, and get EDI to somehow make it look like we lost the signal."

" _Charlie_."

" _Kaidan_ ," she shot back, earning herself a glare. She took a deep breath and rolled her eyes before focusing on him. He stared up at her expectantly, an eyebrow raised as he waited for her to agree with him, but she had other plans. "I have a better idea…"

Charlie slid her hands up his chest, following the path of dark hair up his abdomen, and leaned forward, bringing her lips a hairsbreadth from his. Pressing a hot, open mouthed kiss to the corner of his mouth, she slowly started to kiss her way down to his neck and then up to his ear. She rolled her hips over his as she nibbled on his earlobe, smiling to herself when he breathed in sharply, his grip on her thighs tightening as he dug his fingers into her bare skin.

"You're hopeless," Kaidan breathed, his gravely voice huskier than usual.

"Mhm," she whispered, lightly blowing on his ear before she sat up and flashed him a smile. He leaned up and shifted his weight, and she let him roll them over again until he was above her, settled in between her legs.

"Tomorrow we're going over my notes together," he murmured into her neck, his hand sliding up her leg, fingers toying with the hem of her underwear as he pressed his hips against hers. Charlie's breath hitched in her throat at the feeling of just how thoroughly she'd changed his mind, and she hooked her legs around him as he tugged the oversized shirt she wore off her shoulder. Biting her lip, she threaded her fingers through his hair as he pressed a kiss to the juncture of her neck and shoulder, slowly inching up towards the sensitive spot atop her neck.

"Yeah, yeah whatever you want, just… _shit,_ Kaidan"—he'd reached that spot, gently biting the area before running his tongue and lips over it, the familiar buzz of his biotics tingling over her skin where his hand snaked under her shirt—"just… don't stop."

"Aye, aye, Commander."


	16. Fighting Dirty

**Fighting Dirty**

This is set in ME3, after Charlie and Kaidan have been together for a while (they slept together in ME1, but didn't officially start a relationship until ME3). It also briefly mentions Charlie's cybernetic enhancements.

* * *

"I win. Again."

Kaidan shifted below Charlie, and she leaned closer to him, pressing her forearm the slightest bit harder against his neck. He stopped moving beneath her, releasing a sigh, and she flashed a cocky grin at him.

"You didn't win, you cheated," he stated. "Again."

"I did not cheat," she protested, ghosting her lips over his before she hopped off of him and stood up, offering him her hand.

He took it and pulled himself to his feet, his brows drawn together. "You fought dirty."

"Rolling her eyes, Charlie shot him a glare. "I've already told you, I don't fight dirty. I fight to win. Besides, it's not like the reapers or Cerberus are going to play by the rules in real combat."

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, shaking his head.

Charlie lifted her fists and stood in her fighting stance, her eyes locked on his. "Another round?"

Kaidan huffed, his lips curling into a smile as he took his own fighting stance. "You're on."

She barely had time to make a move before he flicked his hand, a blue glow surrounding his body as the familiar, tingling sensation of his biotics enveloped her hands. Charlie pursed her lips, staring at her biotically-entrapped fists.

"Now look who's cheating," she drawled. "This is supposed to be hand-to-hand, not… biotics-to-hand."

Smirking at her, Kaidan made another gesture with his hand, his biotics forcing her fists to move down and towards her. She fought against him with every ounce of her strength, but it was useless, despite the cybernetics in her muscles. She growled in frustration as her hands came to a stop together behind her back. Kaidan stepped up close to her and she narrowed her eyes at him, not daring to tear her gaze from his. For a moment, she got lost in the blue tint of his normally brown eyes, her struggling ceasing.

"An enemy biotic isn't going to play by the rules in real combat," Kaidan said, echoing her earlier statement. His cheeky comment drew her attention back to the situation, and she glared at him.

"Ha, ha, very funny," she droned, wrestling against his biotic hold. "Now let me go so I can kick your ass again."

"I think I'll be doing the ass-kicking this time, Commander."

"Kaidan, I'm an N7. I can kill a man a hundred different ways with my bare hands," Charlie announced, shooting him an unamused look. "Do you really think I don't have another trick up my sleeve?"

Kaidan quirked an eyebrow at her, studying her to try and figure out what she was getting at. Charlie waited before initiating her backup plan, keeping her expression neutral as she watched him think. After what seemed like forever, she made her move, straining against her trapped fists, quickly reaching up and pressing her lips to his.

The kiss startled him, his biotics weakening around her hands. It wasn't enough for her to break free, so she upped her game, nibbling on his lower lip just the way he liked—but it still wasn't enough.

Damn him and his ironclad resolve.

"They taught you that in N7 school, then?" he breathed against her lips when they broke for air.

She bit back a smile. "They taught me to be resourceful. To think outside the box."

"I think making out with your sparring opponents would be considered cheating, not thinking outside the box."

"It's really more of a distraction. And distractions don't count as cheating," Charlie retorted, batting her eyelashes at him.

Kaidan laughed, smiling at her. "Fine. You want to fight dirty—I can fight dirty, too."

"Yeah, I can see that," she said, struggling against his biotics for emphasis.

Kaidan ignored her, stepping behind her, close enough for her to feel his breath on her hair. Sliding his arm around her, he splayed his fingers over her exposed stomach between her sports bra and spandex shorts, the light buzz from his biotics eliciting goosebumps over her skin where they touched. His lips found the juncture of her neck, and her eyes fluttered closed, a shaky breath slipping past her lips. Slowly— _torturously_ —he kissed his way up Charlie's neck, lightly nibbling and licking along the way, her heart beating faster and faster with each hot press of his mouth to her skin.

"You know," she started, swallowing hard, "I don't think this is something that would happen in… in combat." The words died on her lips, a moan escaping her throat as he reached the sensitive spot just below her ear, heat shooting directly to her core as he teased her with tongue and lips. " _Fuck_ , Kaidan. You… you're taking fighting dirty to a whole new level."

A low laugh rumbled in Kaidan's chest as he buried his face in her neck. "Are you complaining?"

"Absolutely not," she said quickly. "But it would be better if I had my hands free."

At her request, he released her hands from his biotic hold, and she whirled around in his arms, grabbing the collar of his t-shirt as she tugged him into a kiss. Pressing her body against his, she relaxed against him, sliding her hands up his chest and her arms around his neck, his own holding her close.

When they broke for air, Kaidan rested his forehead against hers, his fingertips tracing shapes over the curve of her back. "Should we give up on sparring and head upstairs?" he murmured against her lips.

Charlie grinned at him. "Why bother? There's no one else down here."

He huffed, shaking his head. "It's the shuttle bay, Charlie. There's crew that work down here. They could come back at any moment."

"I'd say we have about twenty minutes before anyone's coming back down here."

He raised an eyebrow at her. "Wait… did you plan this?"

"Well, not _this_ , but I did work something out with EDI to make sure everyone stayed out of here for a bit," she replied, making him chuckle. "What? It's not a crime to want to spend some time alone with you, even if it's just to kick your ass. _Repeatedly_."

"You're so cocky."

"I could probably turn that into some kind of shitty joke, but you should really kiss me before I say it."

His lips curled into a smile before he pressed them against hers again, both of them getting lost in the kiss. It was tender at first, but quickly became hungry, both of them grabbing at each other as their mouths melded together. Aimlessly, they stepped backward, their lips still joined when her back hit a storage crate.

Charlie immediately grabbed the hem of Kaidan's shirt and pulled it up over his head, tossing the shirt to the side as her eyes quickly roved over the expanse of his chest before she latched her lips back on his. Trailing kisses over his stubbled jaw and down his neck, she could taste the salt on his skin from their earlier workout. She slid her hand downwards, her fingers following his dark hair over the expanse of his muscles, and into his pants where she could feel his building arousal.

Kaidan moaned at her touch, bowing his head against her, his biotics flaring around him before he was able to reign in control of them. She smiled to herself, knowing he'd let himself lose control of his biotics eventually. He always did.

But in that moment, he was in control, and determined to put his biotics to use.

Quickly, he pulled her hand from his pants and dropped to his knees before her, smirking up at her as he grabbed her shorts and underwear and pulled them down in one swift motion. Swallowing hard, Charlie bit her lip, her eyes glued on his as he hooked one leg over his shoulder and brought his lips to her core.

"Oh, _fuck_ ," she breathed, one hand sliding into Kaidan's hair to keep him there, careful of his implant, the other bracing herself against the crate behind her. His fingers joined his mouth, the biotics emanating from his hand only increasing her building pleasure. Her head fell back against the crate, her eyes squeezed closed as Kaidan worked his magic on her. She got closer and closer to the edge, the heat coiling in her belly almost unbearable—in the best way possible.

Charlie chanced a glance downwards, only to be met by Kaidan's whiskey gaze, the intensity in his eyes while his head was buried between her legs sending her over the edge. His name slipped from her lips, her toes curling and body tensing, as waves of pleasure rolled out from her core to the very tips of her fingers. The leg she stood on was uneasy, and Kaidan supported her, pressing little kisses to her thighs, as tremors wracked her body while she came down from her high.

He stood up, holding her sweat-clicked body against his, her uneven breaths beginning to return to normal. He pressed a deep kiss to her lips, and she let out a little moan at the taste of herself on him.

"Kaidan," she whispered as she nuzzled her face with his.

"Hmm?"

"Give me a sec."

Smiling, he brushed loose hairs behind her ears. "Take your time."

When she could stand on her own again, Charlie switched their positions, pressing Kaidan back against the crate as she lowered herself in front of him. He watched with his eyes wide as she tossed off her sports bra and then slowly pulled his pants down, followed by his underwear. Grabbing his thighs, she pressed an open-mouthed kiss to his hipbone and then took him into her mouth, a long groan escaping his throat.

Kaidan's hands tangled in her hair, and she could tell he was trying not to buck his hips into her mouth. That was Kaidan—always trying to remain in control of himself—but she knew he was close to losing it when his biotics flared a moment later, a curse slipping from his mouth.

"Charlie, I'm… I can't…" he forced out, his voice strained, hips bucking forward as his legs started to shake. She released him from her mouth and slid up his body, and he pulled her into a kiss, holding her close.

When their lips parted, they were both panting. Charlie turned so her back was against the crate and tugged Kaidan close to her. He hiked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist as he slid into her, neither of them moving after that, savoring the feeling of each other.

Placing her hand on his face, Charlie pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. It grew intense as they started moving against each other in a slow, steady pace, holding each other as close as they could possibly get, his biotics dancing around them both.

They grew desperate as they approached their peaks, their rhythm quickening, becoming jerky and uncoordinated, their voices and moans growing louder, until they couldn't take it anymore.

"I love you," Kaidan whispered against her lips, his voice rough as his hands dug into her skin. He shuddered against her, and she stroked his hair as he buried his face in her neck, his release washing over him. Moments later, he slid his hand in between where they were joined, and with a quick flick of his fingers she was joining him, her legs tightening around his waist and her heels pressing into his back as she reached her peak.

Unable to hold themselves up, they slid to the floor, their limbs tangled and wrapped around each other. Charlie pressed her forehead against Kaidan's, a smile on her lips as she held his gaze.

"I love you, too."

He let out a breathless laugh and kissed her, and she kept smiling against his lips.

The sound of the elevator arriving at the shuttle bay alerted them to the fact that they were about to be discovered, and they quickly pulled apart, scurrying to the other side of the crate so they wouldn't be seen from the elevator.

Charlie's heart pounded in her chest as she heard Steve and James' voices after the elevator door opened.

"I thought you said we had twenty minutes," Kaidan hissed beside her.

"We were _supposed_ to have twenty minutes," she harshly whispered back. "Shit."

Sighing, Kaidan shook his head. "We'll just have to wait until they leave."

"Great plan, Major. Let's just sit here, in the shuttle bay, _naked_ , and wait for them to find us," Charlie droned, glaring at him.

" _Charlie_."

"What?"

He held up their clothes. "I grabbed them before we hid."

"You're a genius." She grabbed his face and pulled him into a kiss before they started to quietly put on their clothes. Steve and James were still around when they finished, so they sat back against the crate and waited.

Charlie lifted her head from his shoulder, checking the time on her omni-tool. "It's been half an hour."

"I don't think they're leaving anytime soon."

"You know what? Fuck it, everyone knows we're together anyway. Let's just go."

"You sure?"

"I'm getting hungry and I have work to do," she started, standing up and peeking around the corner of the crate. "I don't have time to sit around hiding on my own ship."

"All right." Kaidan went to step out from behind the crate, but she quickly grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

"They're probably going to figure out what just happened, but we don't need to advertise it," she muttered, and he furrowed his brows at her. "You still have sex hair." She started running her fingers through his hair to try and fix it when he grinned at her.

"So do you," Kaidan replied, and she bit back a smile and redid her half-assed bun while he finished fixing his hair.

When they deemed each other decently presentable, they stepped out from their hiding spot behind the crate and began their embarrassing trek to the elevator.

When James and Steve noticed them, they quickly put two and two together, exchanging amused looks.

"Hey, Lola," James called out. "Did you guys enjoy your workout?"

"Very funny, Vega," Charlie drawled, glaring at him. "If either of you say a word about this to anyone, I'll throw you both out the airlock."

"Understood, ma'am," Steve said.

Charlie and Kaidan made it to the elevator and stepped inside, and she gave James and Steve one last glare as the door closed.

"You know the whole crew is going to know by the end of the day, right?" Kaidan asked.

Charlie grumbled and leaned forward, resting her head on his shoulder, and he pulled her into a hug.

"Fantastic."


	17. Dinner for Two

**Dinner for Two**

This is my version of the date with Kaidan in the Citadel DLC in ME3, and takes place shortly after the clone fiasco is dealt with, in the time Charlie takes to rest and recover before throwing the party at the apartment. It takes place before _An Uncertain Future_ , which also happens in this little break before the party.

* * *

Charlie rolled over as she awoke, aimlessly reaching for Kaidan beside her. She felt nothing but empty bedsheets, and blinked her eyes open, frowning when she confirmed her suspicion that he'd already gotten up.

Yawning, she stretched and sat up, not bothering to pull on anything over her underwear before she left the room in search of Kaidan. She heard movement as she came down the stairs, the rustling coming from the kitchen.

When she walked into the room, she smiled at the sight: Kaidan was bent over as he rummaged through the fridge, his ass right on display. His lower half was only clad in underwear as well, and she admired the sight as she shuffled towards him. Her heart warmed and her smile grew even more when he stood up, _Shepard_ plastered on the back of his t-shirt. It was fitting he was wearing one of her shirts—she was wearing one of his, after all.

Kaidan turned around and finally saw her, his face lighting up with a grin. "Hey, Charlie, you're awake," he said softly. She hummed in response as he stepped up to her and snaked his arms around her waist. "How was your nap?"

"Good." Glancing down at his half-undressed state and the food he already took out of the fridge, she drew her brows together. "I thought we were going out?"

"We'll just end up back here, anyway," he replied, his gravely voice lower than usual.

"Well, yes, we are staying here until the _Normandy_ 's ready to get back into action."

He huffed, shaking his head. "You know what I mean."

Charlie grinned at him, and he pressed his lips to hers in a tender kiss. After they broke apart, she walked over to the island counter. "So you're going to cook for me?" she asked over her shoulder, hopping onto a seat.

"Yup. Let me impress you."

"Impress away, Major." She watched as Kaidan flashed her a smile and then opened up the cabinet below the counter. She looked over the steaks, bacon, and other ingredients he had laid out on the counter and she arched her eyebrow at him. "What are you making, anyway? Some sort of… Canadian delicacy or something?"

"Uh, sure, exactly," he muttered, still poking around in the cabinet. He finally found what he was looking for and placed a pan on the stove. "We have beef, we have bacon, we have beer. The foods of my people," he continued, popping open a beer for them each. Biting back a grin, Charlie took a beer from him, and they clinked their bottles together before both taking a deep swig. "Wish me luck."

Charlie placed her beer down on the counter and glared at him. "I'm sorry, did you say 'wish me _luck_?'" she asked incredulously. "If you need luck to cook us dinner, we're screwed."

"Screwed?" He brought his hand to his chest, feigning pain. "You hurt me, Charlie. Relax, it's going to be great," he assured her, chopping up some garlic and tossing it into the pan.

"Are you sure about that? Where'd you learn to cook? Please tell me it was from someone who knew what the word 'edible' means."

"Classes at Jump Zero, believe it or not. Young biotics who can't cook for themselves risk starving."

"Well, did you pass?" She frowned at the sight before her. "Because you're burning the garlic."

Kaidan took care of the garlic before meeting her gaze, a slight blush tinging his cheeks. "Sorry. Guess I'm distracted."

Barking a laugh, Charlie grinned at him. "Yeah, sure, blame it on me," she drawled. "But know that I wouldn't be burning anything if I were the one cooking."

"You can cook?"

"A roommate on Arcturus taught me. She said eating cafeteria crap 24/7 was bad for morale." Charlie sat up straight and held her head high. "I have to say, I'm pretty exceptional at it."

Kaidan chuckled as he continued to prepare the food. "Is there anything you're bad at?"

"Nope."

"Oh, really?" he asked, smirking at her. "If I remember correctly, you were constantly stepping on my toes at the party the other night. I think they're bruised."

"Shut up," she playfully snapped. "You asked for it when you made me dance with you."

Laughing, he put his steak-and-bacon combination in the pan to cook and walked around the counter to where Charlie sat, turning her on the seat to face him as he stepped up close to her. He slid his arms around her waist and she hooked her legs around his torso, draping her arms around his neck as he leaned in for a kiss.

When they broke for air, he rested his forehead against hers, and she nuzzled his face with her own.

"You'd better watch it, Kaidan," she breathed, reaching forward to lightly nibble on his lower lip. "I might 'distract' you again, and then you're going to blame me for fucking up our food. And that would suck because I'm getting hungry."

Kaidan pressed his mouth to hers, chuckling against her lips as he gave her a final kiss.

"Aye, aye, Commander."

— .. — — .. — — .. — — .. — — .. —

They ended up on the couch after their meal, content to simply sit together and stare at the view, the lights from the strip flashing into the apartment.

Kaidan released a deep breath as his fingers continued running through Charlie's hair where she laid her head on his lap. "This was great."

"Hmm, I don't know," she droned, looking up at him. "I'm still waiting for the botulism to kick in."

He frowned, his brows furrowing. "Hey, I thought it was pretty good."

Sitting up, Charlie grinned at him before planting a quick peck to his lips. "It was good. I'm very impressed."

"Thank you." His expression lightened, a soft smile spreading across his face. "I'm an enigma. I've got skills," he added, and she quirked an eyebrow at him. "For example: fist fight, me and James. I'd win, right?" Charlie snorted a laugh, covering her mouth to try and stop herself.

"You're kidding, right?"

"What if I fought dirty?"

"Says the man who complains when I fight dirty," she said, sitting on his lap and straddling him. "Stick to cooking, Kaidan. You're good at that." Before he could protest, she pressed her lips to his, drawing him into a deep kiss. "You know what our dinner was missing?"

"What?"

" _Dessert_ ," she purred. "What do you say we whip some up together?"

Kaidan smirked before shifting their weight and maneuvering them on the couch, lowering Charlie down on her back as he settled between her legs. "I think we can manage that," her replied, his voice husky. He pressed his body against hers and met her lips with his, and she got lost in the feeling of him until an idea sparked in her head.

"Mmm… wait, wait, wait," she mumbled against his lips.

He pulled back and looked over her, making sure nothing was wrong. "What is it?"

Charlie bit her lip, unable to hide her smile. "Do we happen to have any chocolate syrup in this apartment?"


	18. An Uncertain Future

**An Uncertain Future**

This takes place in ME3, shortly after Charlie's clone is taken care of in the Citadel DLC, but before the party at the apartment (Charlie takes a few days to recover from the clone fiasco before throwing the party).

* * *

Charlie slowly stirred awake, releasing a low groan as she opened her eyes, repeatedly blinking until they focused on her surroundings.

"Vid's over," Kaidan muttered, his voice rumbling in his chest where she rested her head upon him. Glancing at the vid screen hanging on the wall in front of the couch, she saw the vid's credits rolling, and she let her eyes fall closed again, content to simply enjoy the feeling of his body under hers, and the sensation of his hand as he moved it through her loose hair and up and down her back. The way his fingertips brushed over her scalp and lightly tugged at her hair as they ran through the blonde strands and the soothing tingles his fingers elicited through her shirt almost lulled her back to sleep.

"It wasn't that good," she slurred, voice still thick from her nap. "The props were shitty… guns don't work like that."

"Is that why you started snoring halfway through it?"

Charlie looked up and shot him a weak glare, pursing her lips when she was met with a smirk. "Shut up."

Kaidan's smile only grew, and she rolled her eyes, plopping her head back down on his chest. Lifting her arm from where it dangled off the couch, she wiped away the drool she'd accidentally left on his shirt while sleeping. He pressed a kiss to the top of her head, his hand resuming the motions up and down her back as it did before, and she smiled to herself, completely content.

"This is nice," she started, tracing her finger over the damp spot on his shirt left by her earlier drool. "Watching vids together on the couch, the fireplace, that wonderful hot tub… If you forget about the fact that we were chasing down my _evil clone_ the other day—plus all the other crap we usually have to deal with—it's almost like we're normal."

"Normal, huh?"

"Yeah. I mean, I don't really know how to do normal. But if the past couple of days is what normal is… I think I like it," she mused. "I think I could get used to it."

Kaidan hummed in agreement before silence settled between them, the crackling fire the only sound in the apartment besides their steady breaths and his heartbeat thrumming right under her ear. After a moment pondering the past couple of days spent together, Charlie propped her head up on his chest, her brows furrowing as she looked up at him.

"Kaidan?"

"Hmm?" he responded, opening his eyes and meeting hers, his hand stilling on her back.

"Do you think we could have a life like this after the war? Do you think we could be happy?" Swallowing past the sudden knot forming in her throat, she tore her gaze from his and shook her head. "Never mind, don't answer that. I shouldn't be thinking about our future… I'm not even sure we have one." Charlie's thoughts took a dark turn, her chest tightening at the horrors flashing in her mind, tears beginning to well in her eyes as her grasp on him tightened, her fingers curling into his shirt.

"Hey," Kaidan said softly, his fingertips sliding under her chin to lift her face towards his. "If we both survive this war, I would like to have this. I would like to spend the rest of my life with you, however long that is."

"Really?" she breathed, sniffling as she blinked back tears.

Huffing, he cupped her face with his hand, and she leaned into his touch, his thumb stroking her cheek as his eyes bored into hers. "Yes."

Warmth bloomed in her chest at his words, and she scooted her body up his, grabbing his face as she pressed her mouth against his, both of them getting lost in the taste of each other's lips. When they parted for air, Charlie brushed her nose against his, nuzzling his face.

"I love you," she murmured against his lips.

Kaidan smiled, tucking the strands of her hair that had curtained around their faces back behind her ears. "I love you, too. I always have… and I always will."

She beamed at him, and couldn't help but kiss him again, gently nibbling on this lower lip as she pulled back. She shimmied back down his body and returned her head to his chest, stretching out her limbs before she cuddled against him. Tangling, their their legs back together, she hugged her arms around him as best she could, and he planted another kiss to the top of her head.

"Want to watch something else?" he asked. "Or do you want to go kick some simulated Cerberus ass at the Arena? We can do whatever you want."

"Whatever I want," she echoed. "You've been saying that a lot the past couple days. A perk of getting into a vicious fistfight with my evil clone, I guess."

He chuckled, the sound reverberating throughout his chest. It was music to her ears. "I just want you to enjoy your shore leave."

"Mission accomplished, Major. You've done a good job so far and I doubt that'll change."

"So, what'll it be, Commander? Another vid or the Arena?"

"You're very comfortable," she started, a playful lilt in her voice, earning herself another laugh. "I don't really want to get up."

"Vid it is, then. You want to pick this time?"

"You can do it. As long as it's not one of those crappy Blasto vids, I'm good."

"Understood, ma'am."

Charlie lifted her head to find him smirking at her, and she shoved him in the chest. "I told you I hate being called 'ma'am.'"

"Oops."

"'Oops,' my ass," she grumbled, getting comfortable on his chest.

Kaidan brought up his omni-tool and searched for another vid and started playing it on the vid screen. He snaked his arms around her, holding her close before he started to stroke her hair again.

Charlie didn't know what their future held, and that scared her in more ways than one. But, in that moment, they were together, and they were happy. It was all she could have asked for.


	19. Tattoos

**Tattoos**

Notes: This takes place shortly after Charlie and Kaidan get together in ME3. Obviously, Charlie's tattoos are mentioned, so if you want more information about them, you can find it on my tumblr. In addition, her boyfriend who died on Torfan, Tucker, is briefly brought up in this. More information about him, Charlie and Kaidan's past during ME1, ME2, and the beginning of ME3, and more info on the cybernetic enhancements Cerberus gave her can also be found on my tumblr.

* * *

"Your old scars are gone."

Charlie took in a deep breath as Kaidan's fingers moved under the blankets, continuing their path over her bare skin. She shimmied closer to him, content when his other hand pulled her closer to his warmth.

"Well, as you've probably noticed, I've got a few new ones."

"They're not the same," he murmured into her neck, his breath tickling her.

"New skin, remember?" Charlie countered, peeking an eye open as she turned her head back towards him.

Kaidan hesitated, no doubt thinking about all she told him regarding the Lazarus Project. "I know, I just… never really got a chance to get to know them."

Turning in his arms, Charlie faced him, her eyebrow raised. "Get to know them?"

A smirk grew on his lips just before he dipped his head down, his lips finding her neck. "You know," he started, slowly kissing up her neck until he gently tugged at her earlobe with his teeth. "Get to know them _intimately._ "

A shiver ran down Charlie's spine at his words and the feeling of his breath on her ear. "Ah," she replied, almost breathless, and Kaidan chuckled. He pulled back to look at her, and his eyes caught a glimpse of something behind her ear—the only thing there was her small tattoo of a solid star.

"Wait," he began, brows furrowing, "If you got new skin… you got your tattoos redone, then?"

"Yup."

"Don't you have synthetic fibers in your skin? With medi-gel in them?" he asked, and Charlie grinned up at him—he had listened to and remembered _every single detail_ of what she told him about her reconstruction.

"Yes, I do, and let me tell you, they made it a major pain in the ass to get them redone," she explained, her grin turning into a frown at the memory. "Regular tattoo needles didn't do the trick, so I went with the laser tattoos. That shit was expensive, but I figured if Cerberus was willing to spend four billion credits on bringing me back, they could spare a few more to finish the job."

Raising his eyebrow, Kaidan suppressed a grin. "You used Cerberus' funds to get your tattoos redone?"

"Fuck yes."

He laughed, unable to hold back his smile. His laughter was infectious, pulling her into a giggling fit as well. When they calmed, Kaidan let out a deep breath.

"I'm glad you got them back. I always liked them."

"You never mentioned that… _before_ ," she answered, meeting his gaze. She could see that he knew she meant before she died, before they first slept together… before she made things unnecessarily complicated between them.

Just as Charlie could read Kaidan, he could read her, and he recognized her thoughts turning towards those dark, painful things they'd since moved past once they came back into each other's lives. Placing his fingers under her chin, Kaidan tilted her head up and looked deep into her eyes, the corner of his lips quirking up.

"I guess I was always afraid to say something," he started, lips growing into a full on smirk. "You can be very scary when you want to be."

"Ha ha," Charlie drawled, rolling her eyes.

"You're not denying it."

"I can't help it if I scare people. I like it, anyway. Keeps annoying fuckers away," she finished. She flashed a devious grin at him. "Didn't keep you away, though. You might not have said anything about my tattoos, but don't think I didn't notice you staring at them any chance you got."

Huffing, Kaidan blushed the slightest bit. "Hey, some are very hard to miss," he retorted, running his hand over the cherry blossom tattoo covering her entire left arm.

"And the ones that aren't?" she asked, not even bothering to reign in her grin.

"Well, those were harder to discover," Kaidan began, fingers dancing to the other side of her body to the N7 tattoo on her ribcage. Charlie turned to expose it more, and he lightly traced over it, sending tingles down her spine at the gentle touch. "Between all the changing in and out of our armor for missions, I eventually saw them all, but… I never really got a chance to get to know them, either."

Charlie snorted. "Well, my tattoos are here, unlike my old scars." Lowering her voice, she shot him a seductive look. "Are you going to do something about that?"

Almost immediately, Kaidan pushed the blankets off of them and flipped her onto her back. He sat back on his feet as his eyes trailed over her naked body. Her heart beat faster as she took in his own naked body, warmth spreading through her when she met his gaze. His normally brown eyes had grown darker, and he was giving her a hungry look, one she'd come to like very _very_ much in the time that they'd been together.

"Charlie," Kaidan started, his voice a low rumble that had her swallowing hard. Without breaking eye contact, Kaidan lifted her foot and brought her calf to his lips, pressing a tender kiss to the constellation tattoo on the back of her calf. Charlie's breath hitched when his lips met the ink on her skin, and she bit her lip. "Why the big dipper?" he asked, lips pressing a kiss on each point of the constellation.

"It always points to Polaris," she breathed. "You can use it to find your way. I don't know how to explain it… I just needed some guidance during Alliance training."

"Guidance?" Kaidan's lips moved up her leg, and she curled her fingers in his hair, her breathing becoming unsteady.

"I had issues with authority."

Kaidan chuckled, his breath tickling the inside of her thigh as he lifted his head up and quirked up an eyebrow. " _Had?_ "

Glaring at him, Charlie tightened her grip on his hair. "Shut up."

He smirked at her, giving her a mock salute. "Yes, ma'am!"

Charlie growled in frustration, her head falling back onto her pillow. "Kaidan, if you don't shut up and—"

Her words trailed off into a moan as his lips found his earlier destination. Kaidan took his time building her pleasure and "getting to know" each and every one of her many tattoos.

When they were spent, they lay back under the blankets in the bed. Charlie was completely content to lay in Kaidan's arms, her back to his chest and his body curled around hers, and dreaded the moment her alarm would go off and ruin it.

Kaidan's gentle touch on the inside of her right wrist drew her attention back to the moment at hand, and she frowned when she saw his thumb roving over the bare, empty skin there.

"Why didn't you get this one replaced? The quote always suited you," Kaidan murmured into her ear.

 _Stars can't shine without darkness_ , she thought to herself, sighing.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he added when she didn't answer, punctuating his words with a kiss to her neck.

Charlie stared at the empty patch of skin on her wrist for a long time before she finally spoke, her words quiet.

"I couldn't do it," she began, and Kaidan didn't answer, holding her closer instead. "Tucker used to say it to me. He was there with me when I got the tattoo done—the chickenshit was scared shitless of a needle that was poking _me_ not _him_." Smiling at the memory, she swallowed hard before finishing. "It just didn't seem right getting it done again without him. Not when I'd just woken up to Cerberus and I'd been… alone."

Kaidan rubbed his thumb over the inside of her wrist again. "Maybe when this war is over… maybe then you can get it redone." He paused, thoughtful. "I could come with you… if you wanted me to?"

Turning in his arms, Charlie tucked her face in under his, snaking her arms around him to hold him as close as he could get, and he returned the gesture. "Yeah," she breathed. "That sounds… nice."

They remained quiet for a moment, and then a smile grew on Charlie's face. "Maybe _you_ can even get a tattoo."

A chuckle rumbled in his chest. "Me? I don't know about that."

"Why not?" she said, looking up at him. You could get the spectre symbol on your shoulder… or on your chest… or whatever you wanted wherever you wanted it."

Kaidan was still laughing. "Maybe."

"You're not afraid of the pain are you? It's really not bad at all."

"Says the woman who survived _dying_."

"Good point." With a content sigh, Charlie settled her head back in the crook of Kaidan's neck. "But still, I'll convince you by the time this war is over."

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "We'll see about that."

"Challenge accepted, Major."


End file.
